


More than this 3 - More than sweethearts

by xMidnightsLullaby



Series: More than.... [3]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Drama, Fluff, M/M, OCs - Freeform, Relationship Struggles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-27
Updated: 2018-12-26
Packaged: 2019-07-18 06:06:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 24,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16112414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xMidnightsLullaby/pseuds/xMidnightsLullaby
Summary: Part 3 of the More than this  (Yoi Children AU)-Series.Mika (Viktor and Yuuri's son) and Austin (Phichit and Seung-gil's son) are for a few months now, but there hasn't been more than kissing. With every day, Austin feels pressure on him to have sex with his boyfriend - not from the Ice Prince, but from himself. He is fine with being not ready yet - but will he ever be? Will Mika be fine with their relationship as it is? Will the Russian be fine with being with a boy, while he only dated girls in the past? Is Austin the right one for a wonderful person like Mika?





	1. It has begun

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Mika & Austin](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/420017) by SchornEE. 



„And then she invited me in for a cup of coffee, if you know I mean.” This sentence and the smile Peri had had on his face didn’t want to fade from Austin’s mind. It had already been a week ago when the half-Russian, half-Kazakh had told them about his latest conquest on their dinner date. The ballet dancer and his acquaintance hadn’t known each other for more than a few weeks – if the skater remembered it correctly – it had been their second or third date. It was not for him to judge about what Peri does with whom, but he couldn’t help but feeling vexed about it. Getting so close to someone you almost just met, letting them touch your weakest spots, showing your everything to them…

It was not that he couldn’t imagine to do things like that someday, but if he’d ever decide to get intimate with someone, it had to be with his true love. Touching anybody this way without havings any feelings for them just seemed impossible to him. Because that’s where the urge to be with someone came from. From the unconditional love that has grown over the course of time. From the everlasting wish to always be close to the special one, hoping to make them happy every single day. From the inescapable desire to hold them near. All of that would eventually lead to the yearning to become one. 

A smile formed on Austin’s face, because unintentionally, Mika had appeared before his inner eye. If one day he would be ready to let someone get that close to him, it would be his friend. Boyfriend. The half-Thai, half-Korean’s smile widened even more. They have been dating officially for more than two months now and he still couldn’t believe how lucky he was. Not only was he able to spend a lot of time with his first love, but Mika had accepted his feelings. Even more, he returned them. That day, when the Ice Prince had told him that he had fallen in love with him as well, had been the happiest in his life. Never ever had he imagined that things could possibly turn out like this. 

The feelings he has had for Mika crushed into him when he first saw him, but he didn’t realize them before he had turned ten. He had been watching a movie with his dads. He couldn’t remember which one exactly, but it surely had been one of the classical Disney Princesses’ movies he still loved today. He has always been fascinated by those beautiful songs, so much that he chose ‘Once upon a dream’ as Mika’s ringtone, while his trainers always were allocated ‘I’ll make a man out of you’. His parents were the only contacts in his phone whose ringtones weren’t from one of those movies. Austin hadn’t had the heart to select anything other than ‘Shall we skate’ for them as his dad still sang it while showering. Although he had hesitated to change his father’s one to “Mother knows best” when he had first heard the song. 

However, when the couple in the movie had declared their eternal love for each other, he had been asking his dad what love felt like. “You know, there are different kinds of love and they all can mean different things. Like the “I love you” that we say to you. It means that you are our most precious gift in the world and that we will never ever leave you or let you down. It says that we will always be there for you, support you and that we will do our best to make you happy. Then, there is the “I love you” that I say to my friends. That one means that I hold them dear and I’m happy that they are in my live. It’s like a heightening of “I like you”. And then, there is the type of “I love you” that I say to your father. It contains the previous ones, but there’s also a lot more to it. It means that you always want to be with them, that you would do everything for them. When you see the person you love, your heart starts beating really fast and your hand and feet start to tremble. It feels like butterflies live in your stomach and if you would just say a word, they would fly out of your mouth. To be with that special one feels so amazing, you won’t even notice that time ticks and you will forget about everything except for them. It won’t matter what you do with them, the only thing important is that they are with you and that they are happy.” 

Without hesitation, Austin had smiled and had said “Well that feeling, I already know. That’s exactly what feel when I’m with Mika.” His dad had only smiled as well, probably being amused by his childish idea of love. Little had he known that about 7 years later his son would have a relationship like the one depicted in the movie with precisely that boy. Well…at least he was close to. Talking about eternal love was still far away for them, but for Austin it was clear that there would never be anyone else for him besides Mika. He was and would always be his first. His first crush, his first love, his first kiss…his first time?

Sitting on his bed, the half-Thai rested his head against his knees. As much as he wanted to stop thinking about that topic, it was continuously brought back to his attention. Never before had he noticed that everything and everyone around him was so sexualized. Starting from Peri’s never ending dating stories over nearly every TV show he had started to watch to Mika’s uncle Chris. He liked him and he was in awe of his exceptional talent for designing and tailoring. Certainly, he was a nice guy, but every time they visited the former skater in his shop, Austin felt somewhat uneasy. 

It was not like the half-Korean was disgusted by the idea of having sex and he appreciated the slightly clad appearance of handsome people, but since he was now actually dating someone, he felt really intimidated. For him, this seemed to be such a huge step and he didn’t feel prepared for it at all. Of course, Austin enjoyed all of Mika’s touches, hugs and kisses and he loved falling asleep in his arms. Furthermore, he trusted him with his life which was the most important thing in a relationship. But still… he was not ready for it yet. 

If it was just for him, this wouldn’t be a problem at all. He was only 17. He had the major part of his life in front of him. He was convinced that it was more important to value and treasure his first time while being able to enjoy every second of it, even if he had to wait another seven years for it, instead of rushing things and regret them later. But now, it wasn’t only him anymore. He had a relationship which meant that this was a topic that no longer concerned only him. Now there was somebody else. He knew that someday, he had to talk with Mika about all of this, but right now, he hoped that his talk would happen rather later than sooner. Of course, his trust in his boyfriend included that he was sure that the Ice Prince wouldn’t laugh at him or break up with him, because he was not ready yet. However, he felt super uncomfortable with his topic lately and knew that he would turn bright red and wouldn’t get a single word out as soon as he tried to address the topic.


	2. Antigravity

For a few days now, since Peri had boasted about his date, Austin was always nervous when Mika was with him. Most of the time, he felt alright, but every time their kissing got more intense, the half-Thai felt that his heart started beating faster, but not in a good way, and a tight knot was building up in his stomach. One time, he even had felt the impulse to shove the Ice Prince away, although this was the last the he wanted to do. He loved kissing his boyfriend and it always felt amazing, but every time Mika clawed his fingers into Austin’s hair pulling him even closer, a certain type of thought filled his head. ‘Yeah, it’s true that he likes you and he enjoys being with you. He might be fine with your relationship as it is now, but he’s a man as well. He wants to be close to you. Much closer then you are now. He wants to hold you, touch you, everywhere. How long will he be fine with just kissing you? Someday, he will be tired of you, because you can’t give him what he needs. There is no way, the Ice Prince would be satisfied with you. He will notice that there are better people than you sufficiently early. It’s not like there wouldn’t be a lot of people just waiting for a chance to hit on him.’ 

Austin knew that these thought were stupid, that Mika would never do something the half-Thai wouldn’t want. He would never rush him, if he wasn’t ready yet. However, he couldn’t stop those thoughts from creeping into his mind, poisoning him more and more. He hated himself for ascribing such horrible things to the Russian. He has never doubted his feelings and he was sure that his boyfriend would never cheat on him. But the small thoughts telling him that as things were now, he could never make Mika happy, kept on persisting in the back of his head. With all of this in his mind, it was very hard to enjoy their time together, although they had been looking forward to it so much. They had started dating only a few weeks before the World Championship, so most of the time, they had been busy with training, sleeping and even more training. Because their minds had been set on something so important for both of them, the question of getting closer than kissing had been out of the way. They had been lucky if they hadn’t been too tired to visit one another and if they had enough energy to meet up, they had always fallen asleep next to each other while watching TV, because they hadn’t been capable of doing anything demanding. But now, it was early April and the skating season was on a break until August, so they had a lot more time to spent together.

And they have used it well so far. They had been on several dates, they had had dinner together, had went to the movies, swimming, shopping. Together, they had spent some nights strolling along the beach under the stars. One time, Austin had invited Mika over to cook for him. First, he had wanted to make Katsudon, but he knew how perfect Yuuri’s was, so he was sure he would lose against Mika’s dad. He had also thought about doing pirozhki – which he could do to quite well after he and Valentina had forced Peri to show them how to make – but that seemed not to be fitting the occasion. After a whole day of reading recipes and scrolling through Pinterest, his favourite food shop had already closed and everything he had left at home were spaghetti and tomatoes. At first, he had been a little ashamed to cook something so basic, but when he had seen his boyfriend’s shining eyes, all his sorrows had been smiled away. While eating, the Ice Price had told him that, as a child, this had one of his favourite meals. His papa had made it for him often when it had been late, but the Ice Prince still was hungry and had wanted something warm to eat. He had told Austin that he missed the evenings on their couch, when he and Viktor had been holding their bowl close to their face in order not to dirty the fabric while waiting for Yuuri to come home from practice who would only scold his husband for letting their son stay up late. However, due to his current diet, he hadn’t been able to eat that for a long time, so he had been overjoyed and praised Austin for that wonderful dinner. 

Since the end of the skating season, Mika hasn’t made any approach to go further yet, but Austin feared the first time it would happen. Because when it happened, he knew he wouldn’t be able to endure and submit to it. Also, he wouldn’t want to do that, because it would feel like lying to his boyfriend. He knew that, when the time came, he had to stop him from doing anything Austin wasn’t ready to do and he would regret it later, if he found out that he had pressured the half-Thai. However, the young man had no idea how to tell the Russian that he wasn’t ready for that kind of things now. It was not Mika’s fault at all. If it was with anyone, it could only be him. But just not yet. Austin’s only hope was that this wouldn’t be necessary for a little bit longer.

When his bell rang, he was scared so much, he hit his head on the back of his bed. He had been completely lost in his thoughts, so he totally forgot that Mika would be coming over to watch the last two episodes of the final season of ‘Downton Abbey’. Valentina had forced them to watch the first season and they somehow came to like it, even though they didn’t share her enthusiasm when it came to everybody’s apparel. The girl seemed to be head over heels for the historical clothing. So much, that she even wanted to make them wear series inspired clothing on their next competition. Luckily, the men’s wear that time wasn’t as spectacular as the women’s, so she had given up soon.

Rubbing his hurting head, Austin climbed out of his bed and made his way to open the door. Because they had been exhausted most of their first and second month together, none of them had cared to dress up for their dates. Still now, they only cared about their appearance when they met in public and even in these cases they dressed normally. That’s why Austin didn’t mind opening the door in jogging pants and one of Mika’s t-shirts. Whenever he could, he snitched one of them and the Russian seemed to like it, because every time, he recognized on of his on his boyfriend, he smiled. He did the same thing, when Austin had let him inside. After taking off his jacket and shoes, he pulled the half-Korean closer and kissed him. “Hey!” – “Hey, Snowflake.” Austin tiptoed and kissed the Russian one more time. 

“I’m sorry, I haven’t prepared anything yet. But you can sit down the couch, I’ll get everything.” Austin hurried into the kitchen, put hot water on the stove and got the pack of edamame from his freezer. Even though it was off-season now, they didn’t want to change into unhealthy eating habits. From time to time they were treating themselves, but when it came to potato crisps, they knew it would be hard to quit eating them when the season started, so they had decided to eat as clean as possible. And anyways, both of them loved the Japanese snack. Getting on his tiptoes again and stretching up, the half-Thai tried to reach his upper cupboard to retrieve two bowls. Sometimes, he hated that he was so small, especially when Peri picked on him for that, although they were approximately the same size. But every time, he was able to rest his head on Mika’s chest when he hugged him or when his boyfriend rested his head on his shoulder, he was happy for being just as he was. 

He nearly reached the cupboard, when he was carefully pushed to the side and two long arms placed the bowls in front of him. “You know that you can ask for help” Mika smiled at him. “I didn’t need help. I was already touching them, when you…” – “I know, I know. Just let me mock you a bit.” Austin wanted to reply something, but his boyfriend’s expression was just too cute, so he just shook his head smiling as well. As he put the edamame into the pot with the boiling water, the Ice Prince stepped behind him, clung his arms around his waist and rested his head on the half-Thai’s shoulders. Austin turned his head to the side, placed a small kiss on Mika’s cheek and started petting his hair. The older boy started purring like a cat which made the other one giggle. At moments like this, he just couldn’t believe how incredibly happy he was. Hopefully this would last forever.


	3. My Demons

After they had prepared everything, Mika let himself fall on the couch stretching his left arm out, so Austin was able to cuddling into it. The next three hours passed way too fast. Except for him playing with the Russian’s fingers from time to time and the latter fondling his neck and placing kisses on his head, the half-Thai forgot everything around him. He had been too immersed in the plot and thrilled until the last minute. Until the credits rolled over the screen, he was caught up in the series. He really had to thank Valentina for introducing the show to them. He hadn’t had so much fun with another TV show lately. He turned towards Mika who seemed to be in thoughts. “Aren’t you sad too that it’s over now?” he asked him. It took a second until the Ice Prince responded. “Yeah kinda. But I’m sure we will find another show soon.” – “So what shall we do now?” – “Well…” – “We could take a look what’s on TV right now.” His boyfriend nodded. It seemed to Austin that he had something on his mind, but he wasn’t sure if he should ask him about it. 

They were watching a stupid casting show for a while, when Mika pulled Austin closer. When the latter was almost sitting on his lap, the Russian wrapped his arms around the half-Korean’s waist and started kissing his neck. The younger skater’s heart increased its beats instantly. He felt like it was trying to crush his chest. But he liked it. Even though his hands started shaking, he was enjoying it. Then suddenly, the Ice Prince bit his neck tenderly. The silent moan that left Austin’s mouth shocked himself a lot. He had never made a sound like that before. He didn’t even think that he was able to do that. Although he turned red, because he was so ashamed of savouring this more than he had expected, he let his head fall down to grant his boyfriend better access. Slowly, Mika’s hands were wandering over his stomach, caressing his sides. Just for a second they slipped under Austin’s t-shirt, but the Russian must have noted that the half-Thai tensed up, because he immediately returned back over it. 

Because he was feeling so good under Mika’s touches, Austin soon started moving his hands. Cautiously, he held his boyfriend’s arms tight, pressing them even closer to his body. Then, he started stroking his way upwards until he reached the Russian’s neck. He fondled it with his nails, but when the older boy bit his neck again, he clawed into the older boy’s hair. The latter suddenly drew back his head. At the same time he loosened his grip around Austin’s waist only to grab his shoulders and turned his upper body, so he could look right into his boyfriend’s face. A light reddish shimmer coloured Mika’s cheeks and his eyes seemed a lot darker than usual. The half-Thai had to lie if he said that he wasn’t turned on by the way his love looked at him. However, at the same time he was afraid. He had no idea what would happen next and how he would react to that. Tenderly, the Russian stroked a strain of hair back behind his hear. His hand rested on the younger boy’s face as he slowly caressed his cheeks with his thumb. 

Austin tried to enjoy this while trying to fight back his fears and savour all these little endearments Mika gave him. He leant into his hand and closed his eyes. The warmth of the Ice Prince’s body so close in front of him, on his skin and everywhere around him made him calm down. That person in front of him was still Mika. There was nothing he should be afraid of. He felt the Russian’s warm breath coming closer and it stop just a millimetre before his lips. He could already taste Mika, although they were still separated. It was too taxing to hold himself back from initiating the kiss, he just let go and his body moved on its own. When their lips finally touched, the well-known warm feeling filled Austin’s body. He wrapped his arms around his boyfriend’s neck while the latter pulled him closer on his waist. Their kissed deepened with every second and they were touching and caressing each other’s body as they had been holding back for a long time. It was true, they hadn’t been making out like this more than once or twice. However, the half-Korean was surprised that he felt a lot more comfortable in Mika’s arms than expected. These warm hands on his body and those lips that were craving for him made him feel incredibly loved and cherished. 

Without caring about anything around them, the skaters were caught up in their own world. Nothing else mattered more than Mika’s lips on Austin’s and his hands that were still tightly wrapped around him while caressing his waist. Without really noticing, they had moved in a more comfortable position. The Ice Prince was now halfway laying on the couch while the half-Korean was laying on his chest, their legs tangled into each other’s. The younger skater let his hands wander from his boyfriend’s neck to his chest and up into his hair again. For the first time for a long while, he wasn’t thinking about anything. He just enjoyed every touch, every kiss, every centimetre of Mika he could reach. His body seemed to start relaxing gettung more and more used to the situation. He totally forgot about all his worries. 

Suddenly, he felt the Ice Prince’s fingers glide down his lower back. The lower they got the more and more Austin tensed. Then, he felt them on his butt and fear rushed into his body. Although his heart had been beating fast this whole time, it increased its speed and the half-Thai felt like he couldn’t breathe. Instantly, he withdrew from the kiss, pulled out of Mika’s arms and got up from the couch. What had he been thinking? He wasn’t ready for something like this yet. He should have known what this kind of situation led to. Trying to calm down his breath, he needed a few seconds to gather his speech. With a faint and trembling voice he whispered. “I’m sorry, I’m…I can’t...I just…” He didn’t dare to look into the Russian’s eyes, but when he lifted up his head, their gazes met. Mika looked confused. He didn’t understand a thing, but Austin wasn’t in the constitution to explain anything right now. But it wasn’t this expression that hit him. It was the small gleam of sadness that pierced right through his chest. Tears flooded in the younger skater’s eyes and he turned his head back down. He needed to get out of this situation right away. He wasn’t able to stand the feeling of these confused and hurt looking eyes on his body any longer. Without giving it much thought, he ran into his room and pulled his blanket over his head. Curling up like an embryo, the tears started to run down his face. 

Austin had no idea how long he was lying on his bed, he had only noticed that, some time ago, the tears had stopped coming. Of course, he could have returned to the living room apologizing to Mika for his behaviour, but he was too ashamed. Overreacting over such a little thing as a grip on his ass by his beloved boyfriend seemed so stupid to him now. It had been nothing more than a touch. The Ice Prince hadn’t forced him to do anything, neither had he made clear that that situation would definitely lead to them having sex. There hadn’t been any signs that the Russian was planning on going all the way tonight. He probably had wanted to just go a little further. 

The half-Thai hadn’t noticed that his bedroom door had been opened until he felt the mattress next to him gave way. “Austin?” Mika’s voice sounded oddly anxious. Even though it was soft and cautious, the younger boy could make out a sight tremble. “Are you okay?” The worry that lay in that words made Austin choke. Somehow, he couldn’t bear all those feelings that were crushing into him. He was touched by his boyfriend’s concern and that he came to look after him, but at the same time he hated himself so much for causing such trouble. He had been childish and kind of hysterical. If he had stayed calm and thought the situation threw, the Russian wouldn’t have to feel bad. Although he had thought that there was no more fluid left in him, his eyes were watering again. 

Suddenly, he felt to strong arms wrapping around him over the blanket that still covered his whole body and the heat of Mika’s body on his back. His boyfriend’s hands caressed his arms and soft kisses were placed on his head until the tears slowly stopped coming. There hadn’t been many times that a silence between them had been uncomfortable, but now this definitely one of that cases. The unanswered question of why Austin had reacted the way he did was filling the air increasing the weight that the half-Thai already felt pressing down on his body. He knew he had to say something, had to explain himself, had to tell the Russian that it hadn’t been his fault at all. 

Cautiously, he untangled his upper body from the blanket and turned around. He didn’t want Mika to see his miserable face so he hid it by cuddling against his boyfriend’s chest. He tried to find the right words to say, but everything that came up his mind did seem so incredibly stupid. “I’m…I…” The Ice Prince that had wrapped his arms around his back pulled him closer while petting Austin’s head. “You don’t have to say anything. You can talk to me anytime, so you decide if or when you are ready. But if there’s something I did wrong or if I hurt you, I’m sorry.” He placed soft kiss on the half-Thai’s forehead. “I am sorry. You did nothing wrong. It’s just that I…I…” – “It’s fine. You don’t need to force yourself. But please, stop crying. I hate to see you like this.” When Austin dared to take a look up, a comforting smile was on the Russian’s face, but he could also see that his eyes were also filled with water. It was such a shook to him, seeing his boyfriend being so upset, he had to turn his head back down. He had never seen Mika cry before, not even as a child. Again, twisted feelings were filling up his body and he could only supress the guilt and shame by the thought of how much he must mean to Mika to put him in a state like this. 

For quite a while, the two of them were just cuddling up, each one deep in their own thoughts until Austin let out a loud yawn. He hadn’t noticed how exhausted he had been, but now, he had a hard time to keep his eyes open. “I guess we should go to sleep. If you want to change, you know where the stuff is”, he said, although the last part of the sentence was smothered by another yawn. He didn’t care that he was still wearing the same things as throughout the day. Wild horses couldn’t get him to move. He turned around taking his usual sleeping position and waited for his boyfriend to snuggle against his back. However, Mika sat up, placed one more kiss on his head and got out of the bed. Right on the steps to fall asleep, Austin mumbled “Where are you going?” – “Yuri wants me to join Peri’s ballet training tomorrow morning. I know that you have a day off, so I don’t want to wake you up. Good night. Sleep tight, Snowflake” – “Good night” the half-Korean yawned once more. As he heard the apartment door close, he started to wonder why his boyfriend had left. They had been staying overnight multiple times, although one of them had practice while the other one was allowed to sleep longer. Somehow, this thought left a bitter feeling behind, but a blink of an eye later, Austin had fallen into a restless sleep.


	4. Rise and Fall

A week after his meltdown, Austin had spent a lot of time thinking about that evening. At a certain point a question he had been avoiding so far had popped up in his head. They had never talked about it and, as far as the half-Thai could remember, his boyfriend hadn’t told him about anything referring to his kind of topic. However, the skater was wondering how many experience Mika had when it came to getting intimate with someone. Austin knew that he has had a longer relationship before and he knew that Mika had been with both – men and women. That was something that made him nervous as well. Not because he shared that stupid believe that bisexuals couldn’t be faithful – one of the most dimwitted things he has ever heard. No, the fact that his boyfriend knew how it was touching a men and a women’s body, tasting both their lips, caressing both their skins. Although he had no idea, the half-Korean assumed that he must have a preference. Thinking about Mika’s ex-girlfriend and how their relationship ended, he started doubting that he could give the Ice Prince all the things he needed. 

Vigorously, he shook his head. This wasn’t neither the time nor the place to think about such things. He was standing at the ice rink, because he wanted to meet the Russian. They had planned to spent the evening together and Austin had decided to go there earlier. He hadn’t been able to watch Mika skating for a while, so he wanted to take that chance. That was why he shouldn’t be caught up in his thoughts, but watching his beautiful boyfriend on the ice. What he had said months ago was still true. He could never take his eyes of Mika when he was skating. The way he moved, his expression, everything seemed so flawless, so effortless. He really lived up to his name in those moments, he truly was a prince – the prince of ice.

“Isn’t he beautiful” an unknown voice said next to him. “Yes, he is”, Austin sighed and kept on following Mika’s amazing movements with his eyes. Then, suddenly becoming aware of the situation, he turned to his side where a young woman with beautiful blonde curly hair was standing. Her sky-blue eyes were totally focused on Mika as she continued with a slight accent. “It’s been quite some time that I have seen him dance live, but he still has that charisma. I wonder if he still has it off the ice as well.” Even though Austin turned back his head, he couldn’t really focus on the Ice Prince anymore. The last sentence that girl had said made him twirl. The expression she wore and the smile she had on her face, somehow aroused an insecurity he couldn’t designate. He tried to remember if he had seen her before, but she didn’t seem familiar. Still wondering who that girl was, Austin continued to watch his boyfriend.

After finishing, Mika took off his skates and walked towards the half-Thai who was waiting for him at the boards. He smiled at his boyfriend and started to say something, when his gaze wandered to the girl who was still standing next to the younger boy. “Wow, Maja. It’s been quite a while hasn’t it?” the Russian said. Although he was looking surprised, the smile he had on his face made Austin’s stomach cramp. “Mika!” the girl screamed and threw herself in the Russian’s arms. “I haven’t seen you in two years. So when I came to Saint Petersburg, I had to visit you first thing.” The Ice Prince returned her hug, but when he met the half-Korean’s confused look, he withdrew from her instantly. However, the blonde girl kept on clinging to his waist. “Austin, that’s Maja. She’s one of Sweden’s best female skaters. Maja. That’s Austin. My boyfriend.” Now it was Maja’s turn to look confused. “Your boyfriend? The two of you are dating?” She turned to Austin and let her gaze examine him from top to toe. Then a smile appeared on her face. “I see. Nice to meet you.” She reached out her hand and the other skater shook it reluctantly. Somehow, he had a bad feeling towards her. “Nice to meet you, too.”

Instantly, Maja turned to Mika again. “So, we haven’t seen each other in such a long time. Why won’t you have dinner with me and we chat.” – “Ehm…” Mika scratched his head. “Actually, Austin and I were already going to…” – “Ah, I bet your boyfriend understands if you want to spend a little time with me after not being able to talk to me for years. Don’t you, Austin?” Her big round eyes looked at him pleading, but instead of falling for her trick, Austin felt that his stomach tensed. Even though he didn’t like the word ‘hate’ in general, he already hated everything about her. He hated the way she looked at him with that subtle dismissive gaze, he hated how she emphasised the word ‘boyfriend’. He hated how she clung to Mika’s arm and he hated how she looked at him with those big blue eyes and fluttering lashes. Without even waiting for an answer she dragged Mika towards the exit. The Russian had no other option but to go with her, however he turned around, darted an apologizing look at Austin and formed a ‘Sorry’ with his lips. Being left behind alone, left a weird sensation behind. The half-Thai was disappointed, hurt and the most, he was confused.

When Mika called him later that night to apologize to him, those feelings were still stirring up inside him. He didn’t really want to pick up, when he heard his phone ring. He wasn’t in the mood to talk to his boyfriend at all. It was the first time, he hadn’t picked up his phone after the first four seconds, but he felt so guilty that he still answered in the end. “Hey…” Hearing Mika’s voice through the speaker calmed him down instantly. He has always had this effect and Austin was so happy that it hadn’t decreased so far. Also, this warm and comfy feeling he had when he was around the Russian filled his body and his disappointment became weaker and weaker. However, he still didn’t know what to think about the situation, so he answered as short as possible. “Hm?” – “I’m glad you answered…Honestly, I was worried that you were angry with me.” Yes, the half-Thai was angry, but he felt like it was unreasonable. Most of all, he wasn’t angry at Mika, although…ok, he was a bit mad at Mika as well, but Maja was the larger trigger. “Hm.” – “Listen, snowflake. I’m really sorry about earlier. Maja can be quite…. persistent. I know that we had a date and I’ll give my best to make up for it.” – “You better do.” On the other end of the phone, Mika laughed. “I will. I promise.” – “So…how do you got to know her?” – “I…Oh. Sorry, Austin, but I have to hang up now.” – “Eh? Why?” – “Maja is coming back from the restrooms.” – “Wait? You two are still out?” – “Yeah, we forgot the time and I promised to send her back to her hotel. Well, there she is. I’ll text you tomorrow, ok? Good night.” – “Good…” the younger boy started, but Mika had already ended the call.


	5. Back to the Earth

This night, Austin had slept awfully. He had been awake every two hours and if he had been able to sleep, he had dreamt about weird things. When he got up, he felt absolutely whacked and the aftertaste that his dreams had left made him feel uneasy. To clear his head up, he decided to go running. Before he left his apartment, he took a look at his phone. No message from Mika. It was already ten o’clock so he should be awake for one hour at least. ‘Calm down, Austin. There’s nothing to worry about. He probably just overslept or when he said that he would text you, he wouldn’t do that first thing in the morning’, he tried to ease himself. Taking a deep breath in and out, he snatched his small mp3 player, put his earphones in, walked down the stairs and started running. The light spring air filled his lunges and with the soundtrack of ‘Footloose’ in his ears, it was easy for the half-Korean to let loose and work all the tension and worries off. 

When he came home again one and a half hour later, sweating and heavily breathing, he couldn’t resist to directly check his phone. Still no message from Mika. He tried to swallow down his thoughts and stepped under the shower. While the warm water was pattering on his body, his mind drifted to Maja and why he had such an uncomfortable feeling towards her. Letting her attitude aside, there had been something in what she had said that concerned him. ‘Isn’t he beautiful... I wonder if he still has that charisma off the ice as well.’ However, more than what she had said, how she had said it, caught Austin’s attention. Her words were accounted for by her boldness, but the infatuated and cheeky way she had expressed her phrases, were due to something else. The bad feeling that there was something about her, that Mika hadn’t told him, arose.

After drying himself, Austin stepped into the kitchen to make some tea. He tried not to think too much about Maja and Mika, because it would only make him go mad and probably, or better hopefully, for no reason. As much as he disliked that girl, he trusted and loved his boyfriend, so there shouldn’t be anything to worry about. When he sat down on the couch, the hot cup in his hands, his phone rang. Faster than he wanted to admit, he unlocked it. Finally the Russian had texted him. The message however, wasn’t quite what he had expected. His stomach started to cramp and all the feelings he has held back so far were rising to the surface. “I’m sorry, I’m texting you but now. Maja had asked me to come to her room to chat a little more and it was pretty late when I came home, so I have slept until now. I hope you will catch me up at the rink today as well. Looking forward to seeing you then :-*”

Involuntarily, Austin smiled. He thought that is was cute of his boyfriend to ask him to fetch him again. However, the fact that he stayed late with Maja made him worry. Not about Mika’s faithfulness, but about her intensions. He understood that, after not seeing a friend in a long time, you want to catch up on what had been happening all the time. He and the Ice Prince had been the same before the half-Thai had moved to Russia as well. They had spent at least the first night of their visit awake talking about everything that came to their minds, but that hadn’t been about catching up at all. They knew what had happened in each other’s lives, because they were having phone or skype calls every now and then. And if something really important had happened, they had sent a quick text message. So, because Austin had never heard of that Swedish girl before, he started to wonder why Mika had stayed that late at her hotel room. Even if they haven’t seen each other for two years, having dinner together should be enough time to talk about everything, if they weren’t that close. 

He knew that it wasn’t the best behaviour, but Austin wanted to find out more about her. Especially, what her and Mika’s relationship was like. At first, he thought about texting Peri about it, but he was too ashamed to bother the half-Kazakh. They were friends without a doubt, however, their relationship had never been on this kind of level. Failing any other options, he decided to call Valentina. Although she wasn’t skating actively, she knew about everything and everyone. The half-Korean remembered when the four of them had watched the Grand Prix finale together for the first time pretty well. He had already met Peri once before, but that cute cheerful girl with long auburn hair and dark purple eyes had been new to him. At first, he had thought that she was shy, but after being introduced to him, she started babbling without an end. Despite her young age of 5, she had been a lot like she was now. Once the first competitor entered the ice, she started stating all the facts she knew about him, no matter if it was age, scores, his former relationships or the latest rumours about him. Mika, as the oldest of them, had borne her constant commentary and was completely captured by the happenings on the screen. On the opposite, the 6-year-old Peri, told her to shut up after the second skater. Austin had thought, that Val would start crying, because he had been so rough to her, but instead, she had fought him back. The half-Thai had looked helplessly at Mika who had been still ignoring those two. Rather, his eyes had been following the man who gracefully moved over the ice. “It’s amazing, isn’t it.” – “Yeah, I haven’t seen a lot of people dance that beautifully. I could look at him forever”, Austin had mumbled as a response. Instantly, the Russian had turned around. “When I’m older, I will skate even better than them. Even better than my dads. So promise me, that you will only look at me.” A bit caught off guard, the younger boy had smiled and had held out his ring finger. “I promise”. Back then, Austin had had no idea that he would be fulfilling his promise so conscientiously. 

Taking a deep breath in, he called Valentina’s number silently praying she wouldn’t pick up. “Hey Austin”, her cheerful voice greeted him, “what’s up?” – “Hey, Val. Ehm…I need your help with something?” – “It’s about Mika, isn’t it?” The half-Korean blushed instantly. “If you want to know how I figured that out: you always have this special kind of way to speak, when it’s about him. But don’t be ashamed, I think it’s really cute.” Of course, he was ashamed. To be so easily read felt really uncomfortable. Also, he wondered when his friend had become so bold. “So tell me, what can I do for you?” – “I just…ehm…” Somehow, he doubted if it had been a good idea to ask her. “Just tell me. As long as you don’t want me to send you nudes of Mika, everything will be alright.” – “Do you…?” – “Hell no, I don’t have such pictures of him, why would I? The better questions is why you don’t have some.” – “I…I didn’t want to ask you for such things. I called you, because I wanted to know if you know a Swedish skater called Maja.” – “Maja Berglund? Sure. Why do you ask?” – “She came to the rink yesterday and it seems that she knows Mika quite well and…” – “and you wanted to know more about their relationship, but you are too whatever to ask your boyfriend directly, am I right?” – “It’s not that I don’t want to ask him. He didn’t tell me yesterday and I didn’t want to bother him…” – “So you thought ‘better bother Val about it’, hm? No no, it’s alright, you know how much I love gossip and that kind of stuff. But that will cost you something, you know.” – “Val, I thought we were friends…” – “We are friends, but since you got yourself that handsome boyfriend of yours, you have either been practising or busy being all lovey-dovey with him. Invite me over for a cup of tea and a nice chat and we’ll be even.” At first, Austin had been afraid that she would be mad at him, but then he heard her laugh, so he sighed relieved. “Alright, I guess that’s a fair price and sorry for neglecting you.” – “I’m fine, I’m fine. I’m really happy for you two.” 

“So, what do you know about her?” – “Oh yeah, that Maja girl. Well, Maja Berglund has been one of the most promising female skaters in the junior league at her time. She had struggled a bit after she entered the senior’s, so she only made it into the female Grand Prix finale two years ago. That’s also were she met Mika. Rumour says that she had kind of a crush on him when he was little and she also follows some Mika-fanpages on several social media platforms, but she hasn’t been actively posting or commenting on there. As far as I know from what Mika or Peri have told me, she talked to him at the Grand Prix Gala two years ago and they seemed to get along. She had encouraged him to drink a little more than he was used to, but I don’t think that there was anything more, since Mika said that he thought that she had been a little clingy that whole evening. Since then, they hadn’t have a lot of contact as far as I know, nothing more than birthday wishes and stuff like that. But apart from that, she is quite popular on Instagram and she’s been doing commercials for some beauty companies. I mean, have you looked at that girl? Who wouldn’t want to be with her? But she hasn’t been dating anyone for a few years, I guess that makes her even more popular. A good friend of hers is active on YouTube and she appear in one or two videos of hers and in there she seemed quite nice and cute. That’s about all I can think of now.” – “Wow, that’s a lot. Thanks, Val. You’ve been a great help.” – “It was my pleasure. And don’t forget about the tea!” – “I won’t. Bye.” Yes, Valentina had been a great help – in making Austin more confused and worried about that girl than before.


	6. Down with the Fallen

When Austin arrived at the rink later that day, Maja was already there, leaning against the boards. Her long blonde hair was braided at the top and opened up into curls. When she noticed that the half-Thai was standing next to her, she turned towards him and smiled. “Hey Austin.” – “Hey.” Although she seemed on better terms with him than yesterday, the latter was sceptical. “How was dinner yesterday?” the half-Korean asked. He was too curious to know what had happened and what they had talked about all the time that he didn’t want to wait until he was able to ask Mika. “It was wonderful. I haven’t seen Mika in such a long time, so I was really happy to be able to talk to him again. He is still as nice and polite as I remember him. I’m really jealous of you. By the way, I’m really sorry that I crushed your plans yesterday. It wasn’t my intention to kick you out at all, but you see… I’ve been looking forward to meeting him again for weeks, so I couldn’t hold myself back. I apologize.” Looking in her eyes, Austin could see that her apology was sincere. “It’s alright I guess.” Not a second after he had ended his sentence, Maja threw herself into his arms. “Thank you. I’m glad you’re okay. I’ll be here for the rest of the week, so we’ll see each other more often.” – ‘Lucky me…’ the half-Thai thought.

After watching the Ice Prince quietly for a while, the Swedish girl turned to him again. “Sorry, I tried to keep it in, but I’m to curious. What’s your relationship with Mika like? I already know how you started dating, because Mika told me yesterday, but I want to know how it was like for you. Have you been in love with him for a long time? What is it like being with him? And how did you make him fall for you, too?” Confronted with so many words in such short time, the half-Thai was out of words. Even if English wasn’t her mother language, she was able to speak really, really fast. “Oh, I’m sorry. Am I too forthright? I just want to know why he decided to be with you – no offense. I only know that he has had relationships with women so far that’s why I’m so interested in you. And this way, I might get some tips on how to hit on him.” She smiled and winked making Austin even more confused. 

He turned his gaze back to his beautiful boyfriend who skated on the ice as graceful as ever. After a while he started talking. “I guess I have been in love with him longer than I can remember, but it took a while to really become aware of that. But since then, I just tried to be the best friend for him – although, I tried to be like that already before that. I didn’t really mind being just his friend for a long, long time, because I was just happy to be able to talk to him and to spent time with him. However, since I moved here, a lot has changed. For the reason why he fell for me, I have no idea either. I didn’t do anything special, I guess. But I can’t express how happy I am. Being with Mika in such a way is more than I’ve ever hoped for. He’s always kind and he gives his all to make me happy, though just his smile is enough to make me happy. The time I spend with him is the best, even if we’re doing nothing at all. And there’s nothing better in this world than falling asleep in his arms.” Slightly blushing at his last sentence, Austin buried his head in his hands. Why was he saying such things in front of a stranger? 

“Naawww, you’re so cute. I can see how much you love him. Mika’s been the same yesterday. Every time he talked about you – and he did a lot – he had that special sparkle in his eyes and he couldn’t stop himself from smiling. I’m really, really jealous of you. Mika is probably the nicest person I’ve ever met. You know, before I met him first at the Grand Prix two years ago, I just thought that he was a conceited child of two legends. He always seemed so cold and distant before he got on the ice. However, when he starts skating, he changes so much. He is so into it and loses himself in the music. Then, I understood that I misread his expressions completely. It wasn’t arrogance, it was concentration, devotion. He’s such a passionate person. That’s why I became interested in him. I was so determined to talk to him at the Gala, but then I muddled my routine and I was so ashamed of my performance that my coach had to drag me there. I was trying to hide the whole evening until I finally was allowed to go back to my hotel room and cry. I’ve never left so bad in all my life. I left like I could never show up in public ever again. However, Mika came to me, talked to me. He didn’t laugh at me, but he encouraged me and tried to cheer me up, although we’ve never met in person before. He was so nice back then, I’ll never forget that. He was my knight in shining armour that night. In the end, I really enjoyed the Gala. Only thanks to him. I always wanted to thank him for what he did for me, but he had left early on the next day and I haven’t met him since. But enough about me. Tell me, how is he in bed? I know that this is quite personal, but I can’t keep myself from asking. It’s not that I don’t know by myself that he’s amazing at was he’s doing. He just knows how to touch a body so it melts under him, doesn’t he? I mean, the way he caresses all of your body, making you feel like the most precious person in his life. And the way the way he kisses you, oh my god. He’s so passionate, not only on the ice. But who am I telling this, right?” 

The smile she has had on her face faded when she looked at Austin. The latter, however, was not able to say anything, let alone to move. Mika had slept with Maja. Back then, only knowing her for a few hours, he had… Austin knew him for years and they were dating for two months, but they had never… So what was Mika thinking of him? How much longer would he be able to hold back? How long would he tolerate the half-Thai’s behaviour until he would break up with him? “Did I say something wrong?” The skater hadn’t noticed that tears have started to run down his face. “I’m sorry if I went too far. I just thought…” Maja looked really worried. “It’s not…just…we…” There was too much going on in his head to be able to find the right words. If there were right words for what he felt in the first place. He wasn’t angry at the Swede. It wasn’t her fault to bring up that delicate topic. She hasn’t been very discrete, but she hadn’t meant any harm. It was only his stupid, prude self that couldn’t cope with what he had just heard. He knew that this night was already two years ago, but somehow it still hurt a lot. Trying to swallow his tears down, Austin turned his gaze towards the ground and took some deep breaths. ‘Just try to calm down!’ he thought. ‘But what if he doesn’t what to be with you anymore? You’re male, you will never be able to give him the same as she did. You will never be able to satisfy him. In the end, he will break up with you anyways.’

“Hey you two! What were you… Austin? Are you okay?” just at the same moment, Mika had ended his practice and was skating towards Maja and the half-Thai. When he heard this name, Austin raised his head, but this wasn’t a good idea. Just looking at his boyfriend, meeting his beautiful, now worried looking eyes, was too much for him. All the thoughts he has tried to keep at the back of his head were bursting into his consciousness. He felt his eyes watering, however, he knew that there was no chance to hold them back. Without any word, he turned around and ran away from the rink, tears covering his face. Behind him, he heard the Russians voice crying “Austin!”, but luckily nobody caught him, when he took a rest outside the stadium. Bowing down, one hand rested on his knee, the other one trying to wipe away the tears, he tried to control his breath. Normally, he had expected that Mika would try to come after him. To be honest, he was disappointed and hurt, although he didn’t want to see or talk to his boyfriend right now. He needed to process everything before he would be able to face the Ice Prince again. Slowly, the half-Thai made his way home. What he really needed know was a pinch of sleep to calm his thoughts and to get away from all this mess.


	7. Telescope

When Austin woke up again, he had no idea what was going on. His head was slightly aching and his skin felt dry. He took a look at the clock next to his bed. It was already 4 pm. Massaging his temples, he tried to understand why he felt so bad. He had been at the rink talking with Maja. She had told him about her first meeting with Mika. That they had talked at the Grand Prix Gala. That his boyfriend had cheered her up. That they had had sex. The half-Thai had to swallow hard. This was why he felt like his heart would burst any second, why his skin and eyes were dry from his salty tears. He pulled the blanket over his head and tried to fight back the thoughts that were crawling into his head. However, there weren’t only thoughts, but pictures that formed before his inner eye and now Austin remembered that weird dream he has had. He had imagined Mika with Maja, skating together. Both of them laughing while drinking champagne. The Russian’s hands all over the girl’s body, caressing her gently and kissing every millimetre of her skin. The half-Thai shook his head vigorously. He didn’t want those picture in his mind right now. He needed to focus on something else or he would burst into tears again while laying in bed the rest of the day, thinking about the Swede and his boyfriend. 

The ring of his bell shocked him and Austin suddenly remembered what had woken him up. Another ring sounded through his apartment, but the skater had no motivation at all to get up. He covered his ears and tried to ignore the loud and annoying sound. Then suddenly, the ringing stopped and the black-haired boy sighed. He just wanted to burry himself under his blanket and shelter him from all those thoughts. He wanted to be alone to sort himself. However, when he cuddled himself more into his pillow, he heard someone knocking at his door. “Austin? Please, open the door.” The faint and desperate voice was just too familiar. “Please. Let me in. I’m worried about you. When I saw you at the rink, you ran away crying. I just want to check if you’re okay.” Technically, Austin didn’t want to see Mika. Looking into his eyes would bring back all the images he tried to forget. But he loved Mika and deep inside he just wanted to be hugged by him. In the Ice Prince’s arms the world was a better place. A place were no Maja, no worries, no doubts existed, only Mika and Austin. 

The knocking increased and the Russian’s voice sounded even more desperate. “Snowflake, please. I just…I just want to see you.” Everything in him tried to hold back, wanted to stay in bed and surrender himself to his misery. But his already shattered heart couldn’t cope with the thought of Mika, worried about him, knocking desperately at his door. Slowly, with shaking legs, Austin rolled out of bed and made his way towards the door. He didn’t want to open it at all, but he couldn’t stand his boyfriend’s despair anymore. No matter what would happen, Mika would always be his weak point and if he felt bad, the half-Thai would do anything to make him smile again. 

When he cautiously opened the door, the Ice Prince was sitting on the floor to his right, his arms resting on his knees and his head leant against the wall behind him. His eyes had been closed, but when he heard the sound of the hinge, he looked at Austin and his eyes widened in disbelieve. He jumped to his feet and pulled a surprised Austin into his arms. “Oh thank god, Austin.” He held him so tight, the half-Thai was unable to breath for a second. For a while, the Russian held him without doing or saying anything and the younger skater could feel how much he trembled. Mika placed a kiss on his forehead and he drew back a little. “I had no idea what to do if you hadn’t opened the door. I was so afraid that you didn’t want to see me.” He pulled the half-Korean back into his arms and whispered. “I really worry about you. You seem so distant and caught in your thoughts lately. You already ran away from me last week and today again. I have no idea what to do, it’s like I don’t understand you anymore… I want to keep you close, but I don’t know how. Every time, I look forward to seeing you, you distance yourself more and more. The only thing I want is to make you happy, but I seem to fail in doing so.” 

Mika looked at Austin as he waited for a reply, but the latter didn’t know what to say. In his head to types of thoughts fought against each other. One side wanted to tell Mika that it wasn’t his fault, that he still loved him and that what he really worried about. But the other side wanted to be alone, wanted to find a way to handle everything that had happened recently. The Russian lower his head when he realized that the half-Korean wouldn’t answer him. “It’s okay if you don’t want to talk to me, but…may I…come in for a second…” Without a word, the younger boy drew back, turned around and walked into his bedroom again. Although he loved Mika endlessly, he didn’t want to be close to him now, he didn’t want to look into his eyes. He just wanted to shut all the world out and think all the things through on his own. However, he knew that if he threw his boyfriend out, things would get even worse. 

Shortly after he had pulled the blanket over his head, he felt that Mika sat down next to him. Suddenly, he remembered the situation two days ago – somehow they were quite similar. Except that the Russian didn’t caress him, he kept his distance, something Austin was very thankful for. They spent some moments in quiet until the Ice Prince started to talk. “After you ran out of the stadium, I wanted to come after you, but Maja has been holding me back. She was so distraught. She said that it was all her fault. That she must have said something that troubled you. She was as confused as I was. She said that she didn’t want to hurt you or anything.” Mika stopped and gave the half-Thai some time to think about what he had just said. So Maja had been the reason why the Russian hadn’t been following him. Although this left a nasty taste in his mouth, Austin planned to apologize to Maja the next time he saw her. That girl was worrying so much, although nothing has been her fault. He still didn’t like her, but he believed Mika that she had meant no real harm. How should she know that sex and intimacy were sensible topics for him. 

“Austin?” the half-Thai felt that his boyfriend was leaning towards him, probably to see if he was still listening. “Hm…” was the only sound he dared to make. Any word could lead to another meltdown again and this time, he wanted to make sure that he was alone when the tears came back. “Maja told me what you two had been talking about right before you left. I don’t know what it was exactly that upset you, but please, let me try to explain my relationship with her, okay? You know when we met, Katharina had broken up 4 months ago. I know that this is was quite a while, but I still wasn’t over her at that time. As you might remember it hit me quite hard. So when I saw Maja at the Gala, hiding in the back of the room, I felt that she didn’t want to be there as much as I did. I have no idea has gotten into me, but I started talking to her and she was really nice. She told me about how she failed the competition and how ashamed she was. This remembered me of a story my papa has told me years ago, about how he and dad met the first time, so I couldn’t resist staying by her side, trying to make her enjoy the evening at least a bit and therefore keeping me from having to talk with other people. And we had a lot of fun that night and probably one or two glasses of champagne too much. Later, we went outside together to get some fresh air.”

“Walking in silence, all the thoughts of Katha and why our relationship didn’t work out filled my head again. I have told you so much about them, so I thought they must have left my mind long ago. However, they were still there, crawling out every time I wasn’t taking care. Maja noticed that I wasn’t feeling well, so she asked me if we should go back to the hotel, but laying in my bed alone, they would only get louder and louder. The only thing that came to my mind to shout them out was to kissed her. It was kind of a kneejerk reaction. She was confused at first, but then she kissed me back. Things stirred up and we went to her hotel room together and at the end of the night, I slept with her. Somehow, it seemed like the only way to get Katha out of my mind and it worked. It felt good, but as much as I liked Maja, I wasn’t ready to deepen that relationship. Thinking back, I’m not sure if I even wanted to do that. So the same night, I said goodbye and left.” 

Mika paused for a while, leaving Austin the possibility to think everything through. He remembered the Ice Prince’s relationship with his former ballet teacher Katharina. She was the first woman he really had loved. So when she broke up after more than one year, because their age gap troubled her too much, the Russian had been heart broken. He and Austin had talked about her hundreds of nights on the phone, because the Russian hadn’t been able to sleep. Sometimes, it had been Austin who called him, only because he had had the feeling that Mika was lonely. That time, the half-Korean hated himself for not being able to be there for his friend in person. If his dads hadn’t hold him back to meet his own responsibilities, he would have caught the next flight to Saint Petersburg immediately. Although he had known Peri a long time before that, this was when they really started talking to each other. Both of them had been so worried about Mika that they had often texted each other, about how the Ice Prince had been like, what he had said and so on. This way they had developed a deeper friendship than it seemed on the outside.

Thinking about all the things that Mika had said, it was obvious to Austin that his boyfriend thought that he was upset, because he had slept with Maja. It was true that the half-Thai couldn’t understand how someone would share such intimate moments with someone they had just gotten to know, but from Peri’s never ending narration and the fact that he didn’t live under a stone, he was aware that this was something many people did. Furthermore, he was conscious of the fact that this hadn’t been Mika’s only one-night stand and never before he had been so bothered by it. It had been the Russian’s life and although it had hurt him a little when the Ice Prince had told him about his acquaintances and the dates he had had, Austin had just wanted for Mika to be happy. So he didn’t really understand why the news of Mika and Maja’s night together has whirled up so many feelings. Maybe because it was the first time he heard about one of his boyfriend’s former lovers since they had started dating. Maybe, because Maja had visualised what was part of a relationship – a part he couldn’t give to his love any time soon. Maybe, because meeting one of the Russian’s acquaintances in person brought up forgotten and hidden feelings from the past. Maybe, because Maja was female, he feared that he would never be able to satisfy the Ice Prince to the fullest. Maybe, because the Swede had been showcasing her interest in Mika so much that he apprehended that summing everything up, she would be able to make the Russian a lot happier than Austin himself ever could. 

“I have no idea, why she wanted to meet me this badly.” Mika disrupted the younger boy’s thoughts. “I assumed that she wanted to catch up on a few things and…well, she didn’t really made a secret of the fact that she likes me. But, Austin, I made it clear to her from the beginning. I’m with you, there’s no way I would change something about that. Yes, we had a nice night two years ago, but this was clearly a one-time thing. I hadn’t and I still don’t have any feelings for her. There’s nothing for you to worry about. So please, Snowflake, stop ignoring me.” 

Austin wished he could tell Mika that it wasn’t like he didn’t trust him or that he doubted his boyfriend’s feelings. He wanted to tell him what he has been thinking about lately and what bothered him so much. He wanted to tell him that he feared that the Russian would leave him, because he wasn’t ready to sleep with him now. That the half-Thai was intimidated by the older boy’s experience. That he was so afraid of never being able to make Mika fully happy and that it killed him inside. He wanted to say all those things out loud, so his boyfriend could finally stop worrying about him. But he couldn’t. When he tried to form the words, his voice didn’t want to come out. He couldn’t even build a correct sentence in his head. Somehow, his body didn’t want him to open up to the Ice Prince. And this fact killed him even more. 

Not being able to say anything, Austin just turned around and cuddled himself against Mika’s body. He still was completely covered by the blanket, because he didn’t want his boyfriend to see how miserable he looked. He knew that, if the Russian would be able to look into his eyes, he would notice that there were a lot more things. After a while, Mika started to caress his head. Staying like this, both remained silent as they had no idea what to say. At least for Austin’s part, this was true. He was torn between the possibility to move closer to the Ice Prince and search for his nearness and the wish to be alone again. Although he didn’t want to hurt his boyfriend any more, the half-Korean just wished to be left alone again. More and more he felt his body resisting against Mika’s presence and with every stroke over his hair, all his muscles tensed. He felt horrible, because he didn’t want the Russian close to him. The latter had told him something from the past he wasn’t obliged to. He had tried to clear the whole situation. And the only thing Austin did, was keeping quiet. Then suddenly, the warm hand on his head was moved away and with it the warmth it had brought was gone. Now, cold was spreading through his body and made him shiver. “I understand if you don’t want to talk to me right now. I just wanted to say that there is no one else for me besides you.” The younger boy felt that the weight next to him was lifted from the mattress. “I’ll leave you alone now. Text me when you are ready to do so. I’ll be waiting. Bye снежинка.“ The next sound Austin heard was the closing of the door.


	8. Dark on Me

The next days, Austin tried to keep his distance from Mika to clear his mind. He didn’t go to the rink, he didn’t fetch him from ballet training. When they would practise at the same time, he asked somebody to switch places with him. When the Russian called him, he tried to put him off. He knew that he was hurting his boyfriend and leaving him with any clue was driving him crazy, but he had no idea how to face him properly. He didn’t even have an idea how and what to think about all the things that had happened lately. On one hand, there was Maja who had been sleeping with Mika, something Austin could neither understand nor was he happy about it. Surely, it was in the past and he believed his boyfriend when he said that he wasn’t interested in her, but the half-Thai had no idea how the Swede thought about this. On the other hand, there was his ongoing problem of not being able to take the next step in their relationship which was even made worse by the blonde, slightly annoying girl who loitered around his boyfriend after having slept with him in the past. 

However, he was aware that he couldn’t keep on hiding from Mika any longer. He already felt like a child doing so, but he couldn’t have helped it. It wasn’t fair at all and he hated behaving like that towards him, so on the third day after Mika had been in his apartment to explain his relationship with Maja, he decided that it was time to face to him. He hadn’t any plan or composed speech, he just hoped that finally being with the Ice Prince again would lead him to find the right words. Somehow, the Ice Prince had always managed to calm him and to focus on what was important. Just hearing his voice filled his body with a soothing warmth that covered all fears, all uncertainties and worries. 

As a child, Austin had been extremely nervous before his competitions. The nights before, he had laid awake without being able to fall asleep. He had imagined what could go wrong, what mistakes he could make and how his parents would react. Would they be ashamed that their son made such stupid mistakes? Would they be angry at him? Just as he had felt that something was wrong with him, Mika had texted him asking if he still was awake. Only a second after Austin had answered him, his phone rang. “You are nervous, aren’t you?”, the Ice Prince had asked. “You don’t need to be. I know that you have trained a lot and that you will be fine. And even if you’re making a mistake. That’s how it is. Mistakes are normal, everybody makes them. See it as a chance to learn something about yourself.” – “You’re saying that, but people will surely laugh at me if I fall…”, Austin had whispered. “They won’t! And if they do, tell me who they are and I will make them try to skate your choreography, I’m sure after tripping for the 10th time, they will learn that skating is hard and that falling doesn’t mean your not good.” Austin had chuckled imagining Mika forcing a bunch of boys to do at least one jump without landing face forward on the ice and at the same time, his tension disappeared and he became really tired. “So I guess you are fine now”, the Ice Prince had laughed when the half-Thai had left out a loud yawn. “Perfect. I will stay on the phone with out until you fall asleep, okay?” – “Mhm”, Austin answered cuddling into his pillows, the phone right next to his ear, so he didn’t miss any of Mika’s calming words. “You know”, the Russian said, “today in school…” Not even ten minutes later, the young skater had been fast asleep, of course dreaming about Mika. The next day, the crowd hadn’t intimidated at all, on the contrary, he had been able to focus so well, because of the Ice Prince’s voice that still filled his head, that he had beat his personal record well. 

Even when they were young, the Ice Prince has had a huge effect on him and now that they were so close to each other, his impact on him had increased. Austin was convinced that it was stupid, but just these three days without his love had made him suffer more than he had predicted. Not only had he missed the Russian, but he longed for his voice calling his name, for his fingers to run through his hair, for his lips which placed soft kisses on his lips. They weren’t dating for more than two months, but the half-Korean was sure that he would never be able to be without Mika. In just this short amount of time, he had grown to close, his feelings augmenting with every touch, with every gentle gesture. Never had he imagined that his already strong feelings could increase, but obviously, there was no limit. Two long days he had managed to stay inside, not contacting his boyfriend at all, but now he had to see him again or else he would wilt like a small flower someone had watered, but then forgotten to put it into the sunshine. Austin had still no plan on what to say or how to explain all the things that were filling his head. However, the urge to see the Russian again, looking into his grey-blue eyes, being pulled close by his strong arms, being embraced by his amazing smell and hopefully being kissed by his soft lips – all those things made him get up, get dressed and leave his apartment.

When he stepped outside, he had to close his eyes again as he was blended by the sunlight. During the days he had stayed inside most of the time, he had kept the curtains closed. This beautiful weather would just have reminded him that there was a world outside, a world with Mika who was probably waiting for a reply, an excuse, a reason why he had distanced himself from his boyfriend these passed days. For April, the days were pretty warm and the soft breeze that blew through Austin’s hair was milder than expected. With slow steps, he made his way to the bus stop. He was still not sure, if it was a good idea to go to the rink now. He probably should have prepared better, he should have made up his mind on what to say to the Ice Prince. 

When the bus arrived, he hesitated for a second, but the wish to see Mika again was stronger. His body was drawn to him like metal towards a magnet, so he stepped on and took a free seat next to the window. The bus got off again and the half-Thai looked out of the window. As streets, cars and people were passing by he tried to imagine how it would be like talking to his boyfriend. Would he be angry, because the younger skater had neglected him? Would he be disappointed, because the half-Korean hadn’t talked to him about his thoughts and fears before? The latter topic was the point, Austin was the most nervous about. He still was insecure about how to tell the Russian that he wasn’t ready to sleep with him without hurting him. Although they had been friends for so long and now were in a relationship, he was ashamed to talk about such things openly. 

Suddenly, he remembered that he thought a lot about what to tell Mika, but he didn’t think about where to talk to him. Delicate topics like their non-existent sex life was something, he would rather not discuss in public. But where should they go? They could go to Mika, but the half-Thai was sure that he wouldn’t be able to get a word out, if he knew that his boyfriend’s parents were at home. Not that he assumed that they would eavesdrop, but just the possibility of being overheard was making him feel even more uncomfortable. So that just left his apartment. In general not a bad idea, but if they were at his home, he wouldn’t be able to run or hide. ‘No!’, he thought. ‘This time you can’t run away.’ If he messed up this time again, he wouldn’t only hurt Mika a lot more, but he would damage their relationship and their trust in each other. No, he had to face his fears. 

He arrived at the rink faster than expected, he even had almost missed his stop. In front of the stadium, he noticed how nervous he really was. His legs were shaking and his hands were sweating. Austin took one deep breath and entered the building. Walking through the halls, he already heard music playing. It was unusual that the music was so loud during open rehearsal. Normally, there was just something playing in background, but now it filled to whole stadium as if someone was practising a new routine. When he reached the rink, only two people were on the ice. All the other skater were gathering on the outside or were leaning against the boards. Now that he was able to hear the music clearly without it resonating from the walls, the half-Korean recognized the music. It was the duet version of ‘Stammi Vicino’, the legendary EXPO routine that Viktor and Yuuri had done on their first Grand Prix together.

Austin stepped closer and finally he could identify the two skaters who were beautifully sliding over the ice presenting that very choreography nearly flawlessly. He should have been shocked or at least surprised by seeing his boyfriend skating together with Maja, but they looked so perfect together, he was totally captivated by this sight without questioning it further. The way Mika and Maja were dancing together seemed as if they had been skating together for years. Their movements perfectly blended into each other’s, all jumps and all turns were synchronous. The half-Korean had known that his boyfriend knew this choreography by heart and he had watched him dancing it more than once, but seeing him doing the routine with a partner was a lot more beautiful. It was as if half of the soul that had been missing when Mika had been skating alone was now combined with its counterpart to form something absolutely perfect. Like all the other people, Austin couldn’t look away, his gaze was drawn towards the pair on the ice. They moved so gracefully as if nothing else existed, as if there was only the two of them and the ice below their skates. The half-Thai couldn’t do otherwise but think that the Ice Prince should do a lot more pair skate. That beautiful Swedish girl next to him emphasised his masculine features and stressed his handsomeness. Both of them had very light skin, but next to Maja’s blond curls, the Russian’s raven-black hair made him look like a prince who never had to work in the sun, the prince Austin has always seen in him. 

The song slowly came to an end and as the both skaters stroke their final pose, the whole stadium stayed silent in awe. Their performance had been magical and nobody dared to crush it. Slowly, people started to move again and some of them applauded. Austin’s gaze was still fixed on the couple on the ice. Both were panting heavily, but as the crowed clapped their hands, they smiled at each other. Just a moment too long they looked into each other’s eyes, when suddenly Maja pulled Mika down and kissed him. Her lips were slightly pressed on the Russian’s while her hand holding onto his neck. If one didn’t know otherwise, they looked like the perfect couple.

The moment their lips touched, Austin’s heart stopped beating. Every muscle in him stopped working and a breeze of ice crawled into every millimetre of his body. He knew that it hadn’t been Mika’s fault, that he wasn’t the one to initiate this. The tensing of his boyfriend’s body showed him that he didn’t want that kiss. But that wasn’t what mattered to Austin. Actually, nothing mattered right now. His brain was empty, every thought was wiped away and there was nothing left than shock. He didn’t feel like he was part of reality. He was trapped in another dimension, his brain and body numb, his sight clouded. The people around him seemed to move in slow motion. He only noticed that his eyes were filled with water, when the first tear started running down his cheek. The kiss had only lasted a second, but for the half-Thai it had felt like an eternity. The picture of Mika and Maja kissing was printed in his mind and he would never be able to erase it. 

In the meantime, the Ice Prince had drawn himself away from the Swede and looked at her confused. The girl on the other hand blushed instantly and turned her gaze towards the ground. Like through a thick blanket, from somewhere far away, Austin heard her mumble. “Oh my god, Mika…I’m so sorry…I…didn’t…” The Russian wanted to answer something, when turned his head to the entrance and his eyes caught his boyfriend. For a moment, it seemed like he had frozen, shocked to see his boyfriend standing there, but then he realized what had been happening. “Fuck”, he mumbled skating towards the boards as fast as he could. “Austin, I…”, he shouted, but he wasn’t able to say anything more, because the younger skater had turned around and ran out of the stadium. He heard that the Ice Prince as running after him, calling his name, but he didn’t stop. His feet were taking him away on their own, because his brain was not able to think at all. There was only this one picture that kept persisting before his inner eye. He ran out of the building and down the road as long as his legs hurt. Suddenly, his knees gave in and he sank to the floor. All the tears he had tried to keep in were breaking out and he cried like a child, in the open street, kneeling on the floor, uncontrollably sobbing.


	9. Gravity of You

This night, Austin couldn’t sleep at all. There were so many thoughts were running through his head, he nearly became dizzy. Things got even worse when he tried to close his eyes. He knew that Mika hadn’t started the kiss, nor had he returned or enjoyed it. But it wasn’t the kiss itself that bothered the half-Korean. It wasn’t the fact that Maja had kissed him, although she knew that the Russian was in a relationship. It was, because they had looked so beautiful, so perfectly matching that Austin couldn’t help but thinking that the Swede was way a better match for the Ice Prince than him.

In addition to the thoughts, pictures were forming in front of his inner eye. Although he didn’t want to, he pictured Mika and Maja in all the moments he had shared with his boyfriend and which he held dear in his heart. He pictured them sitting in a café laughing while holding hands on the table. He pictured them cuddling on the couch, the Swede’s head resting on Mika’s shoulder while he placed a soft kiss on her head. But there were other things as well, things he had never tried with the Ice Prince before. The half-Thai imagined the two of them kissing, touching each other’s naked bodies, slowly exploring every inch of the other’s skin. In his head he saw the Russian on top of the girl, gently thrusting into her while looking deeply in her eyes, the softest expression on his face.   
For a second, Austin imagined himself laying under his boyfriend and instantly, he felt hot and he knew that his head was as red as a tomato. What would it be like if he would sleep with Mika? Would the Russian be as gentle? Would he caress every millimetre of the half-Thai’s body until his mind was only filled with the desire for his boyfriend? Would it hurt? Would he forget himself in Mika’s arms? Would it feel as good for the Ice Prince as the sex he had with Maja? In a second, the warmth that had been heating up his blood vanished. No matter how much he loved the thought of himself and Mika together, his mind was always drawn back to that girl. That girl who had kissed his boyfriend, that girl who looked so beautiful next to Mika, that girl that would be the perfect girlfriend for the most perfect boyfriend.

All those pictures and ideas filled his head every second of the day and the night. And with every situation he created for the two of them, he was more and more convinced that they would make a beautiful couple. Not only that both of them were so handsome one could think that they were a model-couple, but they just seemed to fit perfectly. In addition, Maja was a girl which would give them the opportunity to show their relationship openly to the public. They would never have to hide their feelings for each other, they would be able to hold hands and kiss in public – something, that Mika and Austin would have to struggle with all of their lives. The half-Korean knew how much his boyfriend hated to pretend that they were just good friends, because the current situation was too risky to display their true relationship. Only in a few places where people knew about them, they were able to interact with each other freely. “It sucks that we have to hide our love, because some people are stuck in the middle ages. I always feel like I should be ashamed of what I am,” Mika had once said, when an older man on the street had shouted insults at them, because Mika had rested his arm around Austin’s waist, kissing him on the cheek right when the man had passed them. 

But not only public hostility was a thing, their behaviour could also cause legal problems. Yes, Mika’s parents lived their live and love openly for everyone to see, but their situation was a different. Viktor and Yuuri were prestigious skates, especially his boyfriend’s papa. He had brought so much glory to the country that their relationship and marriage were tolerated. Austin and Mika on the other hand were young. People in their industry knew them, but they hadn’t achieved enough to be known by everyone like Viktor. Surely, the Ice Prince would achieve even more in the future and maybe, one day they would be acknowledged the same way. But until then, they would have to work hard every single day while keeping their true relationship a secret. Of course, they could move to another country, but the half-Thai knew how much his boyfriend loved Russian and how important it was for him to be with his family. It would break his heart to leave the country and Austin would never expect that. So, until that possible future day, they would either have either to hide or live with all the hate and the obstacles that would be thrown in their way. Austin knew that he would do everything to be with Mika and that all trouble on earth was worth if he just could stay by his side. However, he had realized long ago that this would test their relationship and that it would hurt the Russian a lot fighting for his love, but he was strong and would overcome every obstacle. Austin, in contrast, wasn’t sure if all the hate and all the insults wouldn’t break him eventually. 

In addition, the fact that Maja was female brought other advantages. Her body wasn’t like Austin’s, it was soft and curvy. The beautiful porcelain-like skin that covered her perfectly shaped breasts probably felt amazing. It must be completely different to touch a woman’s body than the edgy shaped figure of a man. Furthermore, there were other anatomical benefits as well. The Swede would never need as much preparation as he would, it was a lot easier to sleep with her and there it was less likely that she was hurt. But most of all, watching everything from a long term perspective, she would be able to bear children. Of course, Austin knew better than anyone that it was possible for gay couples to have kids. However, both partners being the biological parent of their beloved offspring was something he would never be able to do for Mika. 

In general, the fact that Mika had been with more girls than boys made him uneasy. Especially, his long relationship with Katharina was floating in around his head. Compared to her, letting all her benefits as a woman aside, he was no match at all. The ballet teacher had been so mature, but she had her childish sides as well. She was graceful, not only when she danced, but all of the time. When she walked into a room, every eye has was on her. She was beautiful and her presence and charm caught up anyone. But she knew what she wanted, she wasn’t going to give up on things she had set her mind on. Looking back, the half-Thai understood why Mika had fallen for her. She was perfect and so would be Maja. And Austin was not. He would never be. 

Yes, he loved Mika and he would do everything to stay by his side, but it was more important to him that the Ice Prince was happy, even if that meant that he had to be fine with just being a good friend. At least he would try to be that, although he already knew that he wouldn’t be able to stand seein anyone on the Russian’s side after having been in the same place. Slowly, tears were filling eyes and his heart was cramping so much, he thought it would shatter into million pieces. More and more he realized something. In order to make Mika happy, he would have to leave him. Maybe, it would hurt the Ice Prince in the beginning, but after some time, he would find somebody who would be able to make him smile for the rest of his life. So, to make space for someone better than him, Austin would have to step aside. Suddenly, all the thoughts that at been spinning around in his head fell silent. There was only one thing left. His whole body felt heavy and his heart finally stopped beating hard against his chest. But not because it had calmed down, but it had no power left. The small crack that his heart had been trying to ignore was slowly growing and growing until it reached the end. In the moment he realized what he had to do, the crack had broken and his heart shattered into million pieces. One single tear ran down his cheek, when there was only one sentence left in his mind. He had to break up with Mika.


	10. Everglow

Trying to process his decision, the half-Thai spent three days in his bed, not leaving his apartment even once. There was no reason to go outside anyways. He didn’t need to go grocery shopping, because he wasn’t hungry at all and going to the rink to practise would only remind him of what he would never have. His mind was already full of Mika and Maja, so he didn’t need any more live performances. Also, all the messages and calls he had received from Mika had been left unanswered. Once or twice he had even knocked at his door, but Austin hadn’t had the energy to open the door, although his boyfriend’s weak and desperate voice had killed him. On the third day, someone had been knocking more furiously. It appeared that it had been Peri and Valentina who had tried to contact him before as well. But he didn’t want to see his friends either. He just wanted to be alone. He needed to be alone. When nobody was with him, he could comprehend the decision he had made a few days before. He had nearly accepted it. He just needed a little more time to internalize it, so he wouldn’t collapse from the pain when he told Mika. But if somebody would ask him about his reason, he surly would doubt his thoughts and everything would start from the beginning. 

No, Austin was sure that he had no other choice, no matter how much it hurt him. On the third day, he had become used to the permanent ache of his heart and the stone-like cramp in his stomach. He knew that every time he thought about Mika, his chest was tensing so much he couldn’t breathe. He acknowledged the ability of his body to habituate to the permanent pain and although he had worried about it when he first noted it, Austin was now kind of happy that a numbness was filling his body. The last time he cried was already two days ago. There weren’t any tears left in him, only a deep black void that swallowed up all his emotions and all that was left was the pain he experienced when was reminded of how much he loved Mika. A pain that was overwhelming him, pain that sneaked into the last millimetre of his boy. 

Although the numbness that possessed his body helped him to survive the days, the nights were even worse than before. After waking up, the half-Thai wasn’t able to move. If he had slept, it had only been a few hours. His arms and his legs were numb and his head hurt like hell. There were different types of nightmares that hunted him every time he closed his eyes. There were the ones about Mika, shouting at him telling him how much he hated him and that he never wanted to see him again. There were other ones about his boyfriend and Maja making out, getting married or introducing him to their kids. His only hope was that it would get better after he had finally managed to break up with Mika. 

On the first day after he had realized that he had to end their relationship, he had stayed in bed and cried. Without him wanting to, he recalled all the amazing things they had done together, from the start of their relationship, but also from their times as friends. He knew the Ice Prince for the most part of his life and it was hard to imagine it going on without him. They had been friends, good friends. They shared to many moments together, days and nights – talking, remaining silent. Maybe, someday, when both of them had forgotten that these few months had happened, then maybe they could be friends again. Although Austin didn’t believe that he could ever forget about the best months of his live, the time he had been able to spent with the love of his live. 

Austin threw a pillow against the wall. He needed to get out. In here, he wouldn’t be able to think of the right words to break up with Mika, not where everything reminded him of boyfriend. His bed still carried his sent, although it had been more than a week ago that he had slept there for the last time. His kitchen echoed the Russian’s laughter and when he sat on the couch, he felt the weight of the Ice Prince pressing down the fabric next to him. Every square metre held memories of better times, times when they were happy. Maybe he should move out, somewhere completely different and new where he could create a distance between them. This could help him to get over Mika, to focus on other things. Austin decided to talk to his parents after he had settled everything. He remembered that his dad had been in Detroit for a few years. So this could be a good place to start a new life. 

When he stepped outside, it was already late afternoon. The sky was blue and the sun did its best to spread the first harbingers of the upcoming summer. Without a certain destination, Austin started walking. It wasn’t important where he was going as long as he was able to free his head a little. As he walked down the streets he tried to focus on the sounds of the cars on the street, on the singing the bird flying over his head, the sound of his feet walking, on his own breath. The world outside was still existing, like it hadn’t heard about his decision. While his own universe was crashed into pieces, earth was still turning. Everything was fine. Everything would be fine in the future. He would just have to be patient. The half-Thai noticed that he should have gone for a walk earlier. It calmed him down and freed his head. For the first time in those last four days, he was able to see things clearly. 

His decision hadn’t changed, but his own perception of it. For the first time, he could analyse their situation objectively, like he wasn’t part of this drama. Not being permanently reminded of what he would lose, he could see some ‘positive’ aspects. Although his love for Mika would never cease, most relationships weren’t supposed to last forever. Especially the ones that started at their age. It was better to end this now when Mika’s feelings weren’t too deep. Maybe this way, they would be able to stay friends or at least talk to each other from time to time after their wounds had healed. If they broke up after one, maybe two years it would hurt both of them a lot more and Austin didn’t want the Ice Prince to go through another rough end of a relationship. The last time had nearly wrecked him, so the half-Korean wished to spare the Ice Prince from going through this once more. Or maybe staying together for a longer time would lead them to start fighting a lot, leading them to separate more and more until they hated each other. No, the skater wanted to have the Russian in his life, even if it was just for a small part, even if it would leave his own heart broken and shattered. 

Of course, it would be hard on him, but he was sure that, as long as he could stay close to Mika, he would be able to live with the pain. Their friendship had been the most valuable thing in his life for years. Even if it had brought him trouble more than once, the Ice Prince was the most important person for him. Austin had stopped counting the time his parents had scolded him for staying up too long to chat with Mika. Secretly, he had watched broadcasts of his friend’s competitions on his cell phone under the table during in classroom. Once, his father had to go to the principal to pick him up, because the half-Thai had been caught by his teacher who had taken the phone away. He still remembered how mad his father had been. The whole way home, he had scolded him and Austin had to wait for two days until he could tell the Russian about it, because his father had replaced his smartphone with an old black-and-white rock like antiquity, that could only text and call someone, to punish him. 

Mika had been shocked when they talked on the phone the next time. “I don’t want you to get in trouble, because of me”, he had said. “And school’s important! You have to pay attention!” – “That’s what my dads said, too. And I know that you guys are right. But your are more important to me than school.” – “But Austin. You’re important to me, too. That’s why I don’t want you to get punished.” – “It wasn’t that bad, anyways. They just took my phone away. And regarding school, I had to apologize and write an essay on why I shouldn’t use my phone in school. Of course, I wrote that it would distract me and that class is more important than anything on the internet, but honestly: When I know that you’re competing while I’m sitting in class, I wouldn’t be able to listen to my teachers anyway. I would only think of you and be rooting for you in my head. I wouldn’t pay attention until I’d know how you’d have scored. And still then, I would be angry, because I missed to see you skate.” Mika sighed. “But you could watch it later at home.” – “That’s not he same,” Austin shouted. “When I watch you perform live, it doesn’t feel like were thousands of kilometres apart. It feels like I’m with you. If I just watch the VOD, I lose this connection, you know?” For a while, the Ice Prince had said nothing. Then he whispered. “I know exactly what you mean. I can feel it, too. I can feel you watching me and then, I know I can do anything, because you believe in me.”

Austin smiled. This conversation took place almost 8 years ago. Sometimes, he still wondered how they had been able to keep up their friendship despite of the distance. Most of his local friends hadn’t understood their relationship at that time. Hey had always asked things like “How can you be friends, when he’s not here? What do you do the whole time when you talk on the phone? Nobody can talk for hours without doing anything else.” Well, Mika and Austin had been able to do so. They had been talking for hours, several times they had talked the whole night. But of course, they had done other things as well. They had been playing video games together, they had watched videos ands movies. More than once, Austin had thanked the heavens for being born in a time where the Internet made nearly everything possible. Remembering how much time they had spent together, even when they had lived in different countries, the half-Thai realized what huge part of his life would be missing, if Mika was not there. If they weren’t friends anymore, there would be no calls, no Smash competitions, no late time ‘let’s watch silly YouTube videos’-nights, no short good morning messages, no ‘I just want to sit next to you and be silent-afternoons, no ‘let’s cuddle under the blanket and pretend there is no world outside’-evenings. All of this would end. 

The skater swallowed hard. He had thought about how he would feel, if they broke up, but he had forgotten what things would be missing if Mika left. His life would completely change once he had said his final words to the Ice Prince. For a second, he hesitated, but he remembered what other reasons made him come to that decision. He knew it would be hard on him, but he did all of this for his boyfriend. He knew it was right, he only had to find a way to tell him and then live with the consequences. 

Austin had walked around directionless through the streets of Saint Petersburg. He hadn’t paid attention where his feet had been taking him. So when he became aware of where he was, he was surprised. Without noticing, he had walked to the seaside. The beach was deserted and the sun was already sinking and bathed the sea and the sand in beautiful golden light. It was sparkling like little pieces of gold were swimming on top of the water. The half-Thai thought that he had rarely seen something so beautiful. The atmosphere was totally captivating and he wished he cold stop time to enjoy this magnificent sight just for a little longer. 

Once more, he wished Mika was here. He would love to see this. Suddenly, Austin’s mind was filled all over with his boyfriend again and the calmness in him that had been brought by the golden rays of the sunset vanished and his heart was filled with pain and sadness again. Somehow, this scenery reminded him of his own situation. Their relationship had been beautiful while it lasted, but like the sun having go down every day, leaving the world in darkness, their time together had to come to an end as well. The half-Thai only hoped that someday, the sun wold shine into his life again. But with Mika, his own sun gone, he was prepared to spend his life in darkness. A single tear rolled down his cheek. He wished they had had a little more time together. However, it was his own fault, his own inhibitions and his own fears that brought this beautiful time to an end. No matter what, he wold love Mika forever, he was his light and sun and like a flower, Austin needed him to live. 

For a while, Austin simple stood there and watched the sunset, but as it got colder, he wanted to return home where he could hide himself away under his blanket. One more time, he looked at the sea and tried to save that picture for worse days. Then, he turned around to walk back to the streets, but behind him someday was standing, watching him silently. “Mika?”


	11. Let It Die

Austin was caught off guard. How could his boyfriend know he was here? “What…How…What are you doing here?”, he stuttered. “I’ve been searching for you. I tried to find and talk to you every free minute for the past days. I was searching for you everywhere and since you never opened your door, I assumed that you must be wandering around somewhere. I came here every day, because I hoped to find you here. I know how much you love the beach and the sea.” Slowly, the Ice Prince made a step forward. He was cautious as if one fast movement could make Austin run away from him. For a second, the younger skater had thought about that option, but his body wasn’t able to move. On one hand, because he was too surprised to be found at this place, on the other hand, because he was happy to see his boyfriend again. 

Even though the Ice Prince’s eyes were full of fear and worry, a small smile, merely a shadow flashed over his face. “I’m so happy that I finally found you. I was so worried when you didn’t answer any of my text or calls. I even asked Peri and Val to stop by and check up on you, because at some point I realized that you didn’t want to see me. But when they came back without any sign of life from you, I was so afraid that something had happened to you. I had no idea what I should do if you…But you’re here now and that’s what counts!” Mika took another step forward and Austin thought that he would open up his arms to pull him into a tight hug, but nothing like that happened. Instead, the Russian stopped about 30 cm in front of him as if he waited for the younger boy to take the next step.

Although all of him screamed and yearned for Mika’s touches and kisses, he forced himself to stay where he was. In a second, all of his good reasons and decisions were crashed and his head was filled with all the thoughts he had wanted to forget about. He didn’t want their relationship to end. He wanted to stay with Mika. He loved him so much it hurt, nevertheless he wasn’t able to sleep with him. Despite his endless trust, he wasn’t able to hand over his body, to give up control and that’s what bothered him. But then, if he would be ready one day, would it feel good for the Russia, too? Wouldn’t it be better if it was with a girl? He had always preferred woman so would he be satisfied with Austin? He wanted to be the man on the Ice Prince’s side, but as the current situation in Russia was delicate, they wouldn’t be able to live as a couple. They would have to hide their love every day. Love, that was overflowing in him, that flowed out of every pore just by seeing his boyfriend again after four long days. Being overwhelmed by all those feelings at once, the half-Thai’s eyes watered. 

Mika’s expression that had been inscrutable before, but now it softened and turned even worried. “Austin?” he whispered and took another step forward. His faint, insecure voice broke the younger boy’s heart. He never wanted to make his boyfriend worry about him, yet they stood on the beach and while he was trying to pull himself together, the Russian was still left completely clueless. He couldn’t stand took look into those sad eyes anymore, so he turned his head downwards covering his face with his hands. Why must it be so hard? Why couldn’t this be easy? Why did his feelings for Mika have to be that strong? He just wanted what’s best for him.

He could hear the Ice Prince slowly coming closer and closer until he was able to reach out his hand to softly touch the half-Korean’s shoulder. When he felt his touch on him, Austin jerked and drew backwards. It had sent lightnings through his body and suddenly, he couldn’t hold everything in anymore. The cracked, letting himself fall into the sand. Tears were running down his face and he was sobbing uncontrollably. “Austin…” Through his tears, the half-Thai could see that Mika was kneeling in front of him, his hand reached out, but he didn’t dare to touch him again. “Snowflake…please…” Hearing his pet name made him sob even heavier. It reminded him of so many things, brought back endless beautiful memories that he couldn’t cope with right now. He tried to catch his breath, but instead he hyperventilated. Why couldn’t this just end?

If Mika had quarrelled with himself if he should hug Austin, he had finally gotten to an answer. Through the pain of his heavily working lungs and the blur of tears, the half-Korean noticed how a warm hand was softly placed on his shoulder. This was enough for him. He didn’t care anymore, if being close to his boyfriend would make him question his decision again – he already did. So he threw himself into the Ice Prince’s arms. At first, Mika seemed to surprise to move, but then he started gently caressing Austin’s back with one hand while the other fondled his hair the same way he did when the half-Thai couldn’t fall asleep the day before a competition. It was wonderful, being embraced by his love again, but as his body calmed down, the pain in his heart that told him that this might be the last hug he’d ever get, creeped back into his mind. If he could, he would never move again. Austin wanted to save everything from this moment – Mika’s scent, his warmth, his rapidly beating heart, how his hand felt on Austin’s back, how he pulled him closer to his chest, the feeling of comfort and protection, the feeling of home. The half-Thai tried to memorize every little detail of this to have something he could remember. 

After a while, he was able to calm down, so only silent tears were running down his cheeks. As soon as his breath had stabilized, the warm, comforting arms around him were taken away again. Cautiously, he lifted his gaze, just to see his boyfriend looking at him so desperate it teared him apart. “Austin…please, tell me what’s wrong with you.” His voice was shaking even more than before. “I… I have no idea what’s bothering you and it kills me . You’ve been distancing yourself for weeks and when you stopped answering my messages and you didn’t open the door… I’ve never felt so helpless before. There’s been something going on in your head for quite some time now, but I have the feeling that everything got worse since Maja showed up. If it’s about her, then I can promise you, there’s nothing between us. The kiss you saw was just an accident. I never wanted to kiss her and I stopped immediately. I wanted to tell you that right when I noticed you were at the rink, but you ran away so fast, I wasn’t able to catch up. I tried to contact you the whole time, I searched for you everywhere, but just shut me out. I have no idea what to do anymore. Just…talk to me.” – “It’s not about Maja. Well, at least, not solely…” Austin was only able to whisper. “Did I do something wrong?” the Ice Prince asked silently. “No, it’s not your fault.” – “Then what is it?” – “It’s…I just can’t do this anymore!” Austin uttered. Everything was silent for a second until Mika lifted his voice again. It was silent, hardly audible and so full of fear, it cracked. “What do you mean?” – “Us.”


	12. Point of No Return

“I just can’t do this anymore!” Austin shouted. Everything around them was silent until Mika’s cracking voice broke the quiet. “What do you mean?” – “Us.” The half-Thai waited for his boyfriend to say something, to shout at him, to ask him why he couldn’t stay with him, but nothing happened. It was dead silent, not even the wind was audible. It felt like someone had muted the world. The younger skater lifted his head to look at the Ice Prince as the latter still hadn’t reacted. The Russian looked at him, his eyes widened in shock and sadness. His body was trembling and when their gazes met, a single tear left his eye as if he had understood the meaning behind Austin’s words by looking in his eyes. Then, he closed his and turned his face away contorting it in pain. When he started speaking, his voice was a lot calmer than he looked like. “Honestly, I had the feeling that something was wrong. Not only since you started distancing yourself, but already well before. Sometimes when I touched you, you tensed like you didn’t want me to, like you hated it. When I was with you, you always seemed to be somewhere different. Then, you shut yourself away, you avoided me and didn’t answer my texts or calls. I knew that I must have done something wrong. Maybe you realized that I’m not the kind of boyfriend you wanted. Maybe your feelings weren’t as you thought they were. Maybe you were disgusted by the thought of being touched by someone like me. The last two or three weeks, I wondered what made you despise me so much after our short time together. Everyday, I thought about why you hated me so much that you wouldn’t even talk to me. I didn’t sleep at night, because I couldn’t find a reason, but it seems that it must be all of me that you wanted to avoid.”

Austin wasn’t able to say a word. He was shocked. He never assumed that his behaviour could make Mika think such horrible things. As he tried to find the right words, the Russian looked at him again and the half-Koran could see how much all of this had worn him out. It seemed that – now that he had told him about his thoughts – the Ice Prince didn’t bother to hide his feelings anymore. For the first time in the last week Austin dared to examine his boyfriend closer. He noticed the dark circles under his eyes. His skin was even lighter than usual and his lips were chapped as if he had bitten on them quite often. But what shocked the younger skater the most was not his appearance itself, it was how depressed he looked. Austin had expected that the Russian would be worried, but not that he suffered this much from his actions. And all of this was his fault. Now, he had to tell Mika that he wasn’t the reason for what he had done, at least not in the way he thought he was. 

“You… you didn’t to anything wrong”, he whispered trying to hide his cracking voice. “All the time you have been perfect. For me, it was the best time of my life. “ – “Then why did you stop talking to me? Why did you ignore me for days? Why do you say you can’t to this anymore?” the Russian shouted. Slowly, Austin got up to his feet again and turned to towards the sunset again, because he couldn’t stand looking at his boyfriend. If he saw how sad and desperate Mika was, he wouldn’t be able to say what he needed to.

“It all started a few weeks ago. Do you remember our last dinner with Val and Peri? What he told us about his date? When I got home that night, I started thinking. How could someone sleep with anyone they’ve just met. Isn’t sex something you share with someone you love? Then I thought about us and about how we were together for two months without getting intimate at all. Sure, we have been busy, but now we have a lot more time to spent together. I thought about you and about how much I love it when you hug me, cuddle with me and how much I enjoy your kisses, but….I realized that I was, that I am, not ready for any further step yet. I couldn’t stand the feeling of not being able to get closer to you, although I love and trust you beyond words. I know that you’ve been with other people before. I know that you have experience and that you enjoy having sex. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with it, but suddenly, I felt a lot of pressure on me as I’m not able to give you something you probably want, something you like and need. I was so afraid to tell you, because I didn’t know what you would say. I feared that you might end our relationship, although I know you’re not that type of person. Also, I was ashamed of myself. I love you so much and still I can’t sleep with you. So many people have sex, even with people they don’t really know, and I’m just too afraid or whatever to be with someone I like more than everyone else. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I wouldn’t want to or that I think of it as disgusting. I bet it must be beautiful. If I ever will be ready for it one day, I want to experience it with you, Mika, and no one else. But because of the shame and fear, I didn’t tell you. I had no idea how to address this, so I stayed silent.”

The Ice Prince answered nothing, but Austin could hear his breath and feel his eyes on his back. “When you came over to watch the ‘Downton Abbey’ finale, I really enjoyed our kisses and for a second I thought I would be able to go a little further. But suddenly, my body was filled with fear, only because your hands touched my lower back. I panicked and after you looked at me so confused, I didn’t know what to say, how to excuse my stupid behaviour. So I fled and hid under my blanket.”  
The half-Thai made another break to sort his thoughts. He could hear that Mika got up, too. The latter didn’t say a word and somehow, the younger skater was relieved he let him tell the whole story. Silently, the Russian was walking next to his boyfriend, his gaze still fixed on him. “When Maja came to the rink for the first time, I didn’t know what to think about her. The way she talked about you confused me and when she hugged you and made you have dinner with her, I was mad. I had never heard about her before, although she seemed so close to you. I guess, I was a little jealous. The whole evening, I waited for a message from you. You called me, but that didn’t sooth me at all. I stayed up to wait for another message of you when he were back home. But you didn’t text me. The next morning, there was still no message and I got really, really nervous. I didn’t doubt you. I never assumed that you would cheat on me. It was her who made me worry. I couldn’t get the measure of her. I wanted to know more about her, so I asked Val, but that didn’t make things better.”

“When I met Maja again the next day and we talked a bit. Although she is a little too enthusiastic, she’s a nice girl who just happened to like you. However, when she mentioned your night together after the Grand Prix Gala, something in me shattered. I was shocked, I didn’t know what to think. You were fine sleeping with her after knowing her for a few hours. We on the other hand are dating for two months now, know each other since we were little, and we didn’t have sex or anything close to that yet. What would you think of me because of that? How much longer would you be fine with this situation? I couldn’t face you, I couldn’t stand looking in your eyes knowing that this girl next to me had been able to satisfy you while I’m not able to give you that. After I ran away from you again, you came to me, you told me about your night together, even though you hadn’t have to do that. Although you thought I was mad at you for spending a night with her, I couldn’t tell you that I wasn’t angry at you, but only at myself. I know it was wrong that I avoided you the following days, but I needed time to think about those things. About us, about how to tell you about my fears.”

“When I came to the rink four days ago, I really planned to talk to you. However, I saw you skating with Maja… It was beautiful. I always loved seeing you dance to ‘Stammi Vicino’, but with a partner who mastered the choreography just like you do, it was even more stunning. You both fit perfectly, it was almost like you were destined for each other. I was captivated by both of you. I didn’t dare to look away. Then, she kissed you and in this moment I realized that she would be a way better match for you than I am. I wasn’t mad about the kiss at all. I saw that she had started it and that you didn’t want that. It just visualized how well you both fit and that you would make a perfect couple. She would be able to give you so much more than I ever could.”

Austin tried to compose himself, but he couldn’t hold back the tears that started watering his eyes again. Mika turned towards him. With a cautious step, he came closer until he stood right in front of the half-Thai. The last rays of sunlight conjured a radiance around him making him look like an angel. His usually white skin was covered by a golden haze. The tips of his raven black hair reflected the light as well and hundreds of little fireflies seemed to surround him. The younger skater wasn’t able to stand this beautiful sight. Usually, he would not dare to take his eyes away from Mika, but right now, he couldn’t look at his boyfriend and tell him that they shouldn’t stay with each other any longer, while he really wanted to be with him forever. He turned around and tried to create a distance between them, but the Russian was faster. He wrapped his arms around Austin’s shoulders and pulled him closer, so the half-Korean felt Mika’s warm chest at his back. Despite his gear that touching his love would make him struggle even more, it gave him security. He clang to his boyfriend’s arms and tried to continue. The hardest part of what he had to say was yet to come. 

“I also thought about our life here. I know how much you hate it that we can’t show or relationship in public. I sense it every time we go out, your anger and your bitterness. Our friends and family will always support us, I know that, but the government and a lot of people here won’t. Probably, we will never be able to kiss in public, to hug each other tightly during a competition on TV. We’re not even allowed to hold hands in a restaurant. I can see how much you suffer from hiding your feelings and over the course of time it might break you and I can’t take this risk. If you were with Maja or any other girl, you wouldn’t have to miss all of this. The more and more I realized that it would be the best, if you weren’t stuck with me. In the end, it wouldn’t work out anyways and the more time has passed until then, it would only hurt more.”

Austin tried to hold back his sobs, but as tears kept on running down his face, his breath got out of control and his voice was hardly comprehensible. “I hate to say this. I don’t want to. But I know that it’s the only way to keep you from getting hurt.” His heart ached like it was torn apart. His chest tensed and the half-Thai felt like he couldn’t breathe anymore. Trying to recover his breath, he inhaled deeply, but he was interrupted by his own sobs. Because of the lack of oxygen he started hyperventilating. Things around him were getting blurry and Austin thought that, because of all the pain he experienced now, he would collapse any second. 

The two arms that were still wrapped around his shoulder suddenly pulled him closer. From somewhere far, far away, the younger skater could hear Mika’s voice whispering into his hear. “Shhh…I’m here.” With his mind filled with his boyfriend’s calming voice and the Russian’s nose that was gently caressing his neck, Austin was able to calm his breath. “I love you, Mika. I love you more than anything else in the world. I wish I could be with you every day. I wish I could be the one who makes you happy. But I know I’m not enough. I know that I won’t be able to satisfy you. And though it breaks my heart to say this, I’m sure it will be the right thing, eventually.” The half-Korean took one last deep breath. “Let’s end this.” For one second, the world was standing still. Then, Austin felt a single tear dropping on his neck and the arms that were holding on to him tightly, were pulled back taking away the last bit of warmth in his body.


	13. Die For You

Austin didn’t dare to turn around. He didn’t want to see that his boyfriend, his ex-boyfriend, had left. Since Mika had removed his arms from the half-Thai’s chest, he could feel the impact of his words directly on his body. He just wished he had had the chance to hug the Russian tightly, to bury his face on his strong chest one more time. Just one more time, he would have loved to feel his arms around him that had always made him feel safe. Just one more time, he wanted to take in Mika’s incredible scent, he wanted to feeling his long, delicate fingers intertwined with his. Just one final stroke through his silken hair. Just one final kiss. But now it was too late. He would never ever be able to be this close again to that one person he loved more than anyone else. He had ended their relationship. He had cut the last tie between them. It was over. 

With his eyes closed, the young skater was unable to move. The realization of what he had done flowed through his veins and made all of his muscles heavy. His legs were giving in and crying he let himself fall into the sand again. His heart hurt so much he would have rather ripped it out – it wouldn’t make any difference. His stomach cramped and Austin felt like he had to vomit. He had broken up with his love, with the only person he ever wanted to be with. With every second that Mika was gone, he regretted his decision. If this had been the right choice, it wouldn’t hurt so damn much. He buried his face in his hands while letting out everything he had left. Tears were continuously running down his face in a blur. He tried to bury his fingernails in the thin skin on his arms just to distract him from the pain in his heart. He didn’t matter if it left scars. Hopefully, he wouldn’t feel anything afterwards. There would be a void in him and nothing could ever fill it. 

Through his sobs, Austin could hear steps on the sand. He remembered that he was still in a public place, so he should try to get up again and run to his apartment where he could lock himself up until… until when? He would never be able to forget about Mika. He would always love him. He had been in love with him for such a long time, it would be impossible to ever let these feelings go. Even from afar, he would never stop watching him. The Ice Prince would stay the most important person in his life.   
The half-Thai opened his eyes when he heard the steps coming closer until they stopped directly in front of him. He was sure he must look miserable to someone examining him from the outside, but he didn’t want anyone to talk to him now. He just wanted to be alone with all this pain that crashed his chest. He curled up, resting his head on his knees, while hoping that the person would leave him alone. But they didn’t. Austin heard that they knelt down and only a second later he felt a warm hand stroking through his hair. Although he tried to resist, he lifted his head only to look in the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen. The the usual sparkle, however, was gone. The blue-greyish seas that normally were filled with so much joy had turned into dark grey and they were filled with water.   
-  
Austin didn’t understand why the Russian had come back, why he probably didn’t leave in the first place. Why would he stay? Why couldn’t he just leave him? He wanted to turn away, but Mika’s hand on his chin stopped him and forced him to look into his eyes. The smaller boy tried to find words, but the other’s expression had erased every single thought. He had never seen him so desperate before. It was the Ice Prince who broke the silence, his voice so thin and shaking, it ripped out the last shatters of Austin’s heart. “That’s… that has been on your mind all the time?”, he asked. “I don’t really know what to say. I don’t….I wish…I…” His voice cracked and the half-Korean heard him swallow. “I didn’t know that you thought about us like that. I just wished you had a little more trust in me and talked to me earlier…” – “This isn’t about trust. It’s…” Austin stumbled, but he was interrupted by the Russian. “It is, Austin. I wish I had done more to make you trust me. Why did you think you couldn’t talk to me about all of this? We have shared to many things with each other, no matter if it would make us appear weak or if it was embarrassing. I thought you knew me. I thought I knew you. I never believed you were this ignorant towards other people, towards me! Did you really think that this would solve your problems? Didn’t you expect it to hurt you? Did you really think that this wouldn’t hurt me? You promised me that you would never leave me! Have you forgotten about this?” – “No, I just..” 

“Look at me! Look at me, Austin, and tell me that this isn’t killing me! Hearing you saying all those words feels like you are ripping my heart out. I was already left once, because ‘it’s better for you’. You say you love me, but it’s you who’s doing the exact same thing to me.” He paused for a moment, trying to catch his breath and regain control over his voice that had been broken off during his last words. “Did you really think that I would accept this? That I wouldn’t do anything about it? You made me fall in love with you, you made me love you and then you just tell me that you don’t want to be with me anymore. That it’s the best to break up. Did you just once think about me, how I’d feel about it? I love you. Austin. I fucking love you. I don’t care about all the things you made up. I don’t care about what you think is the best for me. Because you are! You are the best thing that happened to me in a long time and now you what to take that away from me!” 

Mika was panting heavily and tears were running down his face. The time the Russian took to calm down a little, Austin needed to process what he had said. He had confessed to him, he had told him that he loved him. He really loved him and all that the half-Thai had done was to destroy everything he had ever wished for. “I won’t accept this,” the Ice Prince whispered. “I won’t let you break up with me. If you really love me, then do what’s really best for me and stay with me.” Mika’s expression had changed a lot during his speech. At first he had been sad, then angry, but now his eyes showed how desperate and afraid he was. Afraid that Austin would hold on to his decision. But how could he? Crying even harder he threw himself into the older skater’s arms. For a second he feared that Mika would push him away, but the Russian wrapped his arms around him so tight it nearly hurt and he buried his nose in Austin’s hair. For a while they sat in the sand, the sun already gone, until their tears had dried. The taller boy relinquished his grip, so he could look into the half-Korean’s face. An insecure smile formed on his face and he gently stroke a strand of hair out of Austin’s forehand. “Let’s go home, ok?”


	14. The Future is Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oooo..here we are...This is the final chapter of 'More than sweethearts'. I can't believe it's already over. I had a lot of writing all the drama and I hope you enjoyed the story, too. I want to thank SchornEE for allowing me to write about her OCs and for answering all of my questions about them.
> 
> I have already a plan for the fourth part of Mika and Austin's journey, so please keep on following me, if you want to know more about them. In the meantime, I might post interludes from time to time.
> 
> Thanks to everybody who followed this story for commenting and liking.

They had walked the way to Austin’s apartment in silent. They didn’t look at each other, only their fingers were intertwined. Mika squeezed the half-Thai’s hand so hard in nearly hurt. Maybe he was afraid that the younger skater could try run away from him. They climbed the stairs and with shaking hand’s Austin opened the door. He sent the Russian into his bedroom while he needed to throw some cold water into his face. When he looked in the mirror, a miserable red-eyed version of himself was looking back. He hadn’t assumed that everything would make him feel so low. On one hand, he was happy that Mika hadn’t left and that he stayed with him, resisting his decision to break up. On the other hand, the half-Korean was afraid of what would follow. He knew that his boyfriend was waiting for him next door, but he feared to go there, because now, their future was up to the Russian.

When Austin entered his bedroom, Mika was already sitting on his bed opening up his arms as an invitation for the half-Thai to cuddle into them. Hesitating for a second, he crawled onto the bed and placed himself between the Ice Prince’s legs. The latter instantly wrapped his arms around the smaller skater’s shoulder as he wanted to keep him from running away again. Austin was grateful, that his boyfriend gave him the opportunity to hide from his gaze, because, if he had been forced to look into the Russian’s beautiful grey-blue eyes, he wouldn’t be able to get out a word. He would feel ashamed of what he had thought, of what he had decided – he was already ashamed even now. But feeling Mika’s heartbeat on his back, his chest tightly pressed against the younger boy’s own body and the soft kisses that were placed in his neck made him calm down and even made him relax a little bit. 

For a while, they sad nothing. Mika rested his head on Austin’s shoulders while the latter was drawing little circles on his boyfriend’s hands. When the Russian broke the silence, the half-Korean was so shocked in the first moment that he let go of the Ice Prince. The older skater however just took this opportunity to hug the younger boy even tighter. With a calm and soothing voice he nearly whispered against Austin’s skin. “I guess there’s been a lot happening lately and I understand if this is all too much for you, but I’d like to ask you a few questions, if you don’t mind.” As a response, the half-Thai nodded. He had no idea if he was able to answer the questions out loud, but he would try. If Mika went all this way for him, than he should at least give him some answers. 

“After everything you said, I had the feeling that your biggest trouble was caused by the thought that you weren’t enough for me, is that right?” Austin pondered for a second, but then nodded again while trying to curl himself up. Summed up, this was exactly the starting point. Once more, he envied Mika for his incredible ability to see through things and to instantly capture the essence of a conversation. If he had asked him to elaborate on the reasons for his behaviour, the half-Thai would surely have started to cry again. To bring back all these dark thoughts would shake him so much, he wouldn’t be able to say anything. “And you were lead to that idea by the fact that you aren’t ready to sleep with me yet which made you assume that I would… do what? Break up with you? Cheat on you?” Now, the younger skater had to say something. He tried to gather all his voice, but only a light, shaking mumble came out. “It’s not that I thought, you’d leave me because of that. And I know that you would never cheat. But… I just imagined that you would miss something. Something that is important to you. You have told me quite a bit about your experiences with different people. I know how much you enjoy having sex.”   
The Ice Prince sighed. “Austin, I would lie if I told you I wouldn’t want to sleep with you as soon as possible. I love you, so I want to be as close to you as possible. However, I do understand if you’re not ready for such a step yet and this is absolutely fine. It’s true that I like having sex and I look forward to showing you how good it feels someday in the future. But for now… I don’t love you only for you body. I love you because of you character, your humour. I love how clumsy you can be and I love they way you can enjoy even the smallest things. I love your positive attitude and I love the face you make when you fall asleep on my lap. There are so many things that I like and love about you and there are still so many more to discover. When the day comes, I will be happy and honoured to show you how it feels like becoming one with the one you cherish the most. I will hold you with all the tenderness and the appreciation that I can bring up, but until then, I’m happy that I’m able to kiss you, to hug you and to sleep next to you. And nothing will change that.”

Hearing those beautiful words, Austin was unable to breath. He had never imagined that Mika could have such deep feelings for him. His heart that had still been shattered, slowly merged again. Every single sliver found its way back until it was complete. With its first beat, the half-Korean felt like a huge weight was lifted from his body, like all the pain he had endured was taken away by the Russian’s words. Tears of relief and happiness filled his eyes and started running down his face. “Snowflake? Are you alright? Did I say something wrong?” Mika panicked after the first tear had touched his arms. But the smaller boy only shook his head. “You didn’t say anything wrong. On the contrary, I never believed I would hear such wonderful things from you. I never thought that you would love me like I love you. I’m just so glad, I wouldn’t even care if I’d die now. I wouldn’t even care if this was just a dream, because I guess I will never be this happy again.”

Suddenly, the arms around his shoulders moved away, but instead, the Ice Prince places his hands on his upper arms to turn him around. When Austin saw Mika’s earnest expression, he was afraid he had done something wrong, but the Russian just took his face into his hands, to make him look directly in his eyes. “I love you, Austin. And if you let me, I’ll do my best to make this happy every single day." A smile, brighter than the sun, formed on the half-Korean’s face and as the tears kept coming, he pulled Mika into a tight hug. “I love you, too, Mika.” The Russian returned the hug, but then drew back again, to be able to wipe away the trails the tears had left on Austin’s cheeks. Then, slowly, he kissed the half-Thai and it was the sweetest, most tender kiss they had ever shared. 

For the rest of the night, he had talked about a lot of things. About Maja. About how to handle their relationship in public. They had even talked about Katharina – a topic, the Ice Prince had never brought up before in that depth. For Austin, it meant a lot that Mika shared this memories with him. For a long time, he hadn’t been able to talk about his former ballet teacher at all as thinking about had hurt him too much. But being able to speak about her so freely, signalized the half-Korean that he was completely over her. They stayed up until none of them could keep their eyes open. Austin fell asleep in his boyfriend’s arms, resting on his left arm, while the Russian’s right one was wrapped around the half-Thai’s body. He sensed Mika’s heat and his slowing heartbeat on his back. For the first time in days, he slept through the night without any nightmares. Only once or twice, he woke up, fearing that everything had been a dream. Then, he felt Mika’s body still behind him and his arms wrapped around him and Austin fell asleep again. When he woke up the next morning, he felt refreshed. He turned around in his boyfriend’s arms that were still holding him tightly to watch the older skater slowly waking up, too. Sleepy, he opened his eyes and gave a loud yawn. As his eyes met Austin’s, his face brightened and he smiled. “Good morning, снежинка.” – “Good morning, 내 왕자.“


End file.
